The Single Guy and the Giant Mutant Cockroach

Friday represented the culmination of a great deal of stress for the Single Guy. He had only been back from a true vacation for two weeks, but things were still getting to him. Months of issues in his personal life seemed to cave in on him all at once with the proverbial last straw. And, of course, work was just as cheerful as ever. So just as he was getting ready to close down at the bank, he sent a message to his friend in Charlotte.

The Charlottan told the Single Guy to come on down. He could crash on his couch and just relax for a couple days. It was just what the Single Guy needed. So that’s just what he did. Late that night, after he finished up with the second job, the Single Guy packed some clothes and hit the road.

Late on the second night that he was there, the Single Guy was hanging out with the Charlottan in his living room. He glanced up at the wall in the kitchen and said, “I don’t mean to alarm you, but there is an enormous bug crawling up there near the ceiling.”

The Charlottan looked over to the kitchen and freaked out a little bit. To be fair, so did the Single Guy. The insect turned out to be the largest cockroach he had ever seen. Well, the biggest that wasn’t kept behind glass in the carnival freak show. The Charlottan grabbed a pair of swim trunks that were hanging nearby and used them to swat at the Giant Roach. The Single Guy thought it was a bold move considering the Giant Roach could have easily dropped directly below after being hit, landing squarely on the Charlottan’s head.

For a moment, the Giant Roach was lost in the chaos. It was no longer high up on the wall, but the guys couldn’t see it anywhere on the floor either. Then the Single Guy spotted it in the corner next to a dining chair. The Charlottan wadded up some paper towels, assuming the bug was dead, and said, “I will pay you money to go over there and pick it up and flush it!”

“Dude, this is your apartment! Man up!” was the Single Guy’s panicked response.

Suddenly, they noticed movement. The Giant Roach was lying on its back and its legs began to twitch. It wasn’t dead, it was merely stunned momentarily. Using the same weapon as before, the Charlottan swatted the insect again and again until it stopped moving. At this point he decided that the best idea would be to contain it in a large cup. He put the cup over the Giant Roach, effectively trapping it inside.

In wide-eyed horror, a thought crossed the Single Guy’s mind. “If that cup starts moving, I will crap myself. That’s not an exaggeration.”

The Charlottan laughed nervously. It was obvious he was thinking the same fearful thought. He took some more paper towels, planning to lift the cup slightly and slide the paper underneath, still keeping the Giant Roach secured inside the cup. He did this quickly, but as he lifted the makeshift contraption into the air, the Single Guy screamed, “IT’S HANGING ON THE BOTTOM OF THE TOWEL!”

The Charlottan yelled and threw everything into the air. The cup, the paper towel, and the Giant Roach hung in the air for what seemed like an eternity. Each eventually landed in separate places, the Giant Roach resting comfortably on the kitchen counter. It sat there and seemed to be mocking us. It was if it was thinking, My kind will survive the nuclear holocaust that finally rids the world of you humans! What else have you got?!

On the other end of the counter, there was an empty pizza box from that day’s lunch. The Charlottan used it to crush the Giant Roach. He repeatedly bashed the bug until he was certain it was finally dead. In the end, only the Giant Roach lost life and limb. But the Single Guy and the Charlottan would never quite be the same.