We Hold These Truths

Today was a pretty slow day, event wise, so I was looking for things to write about. Nicole sent me an e-mail that I'll repost here. Along with that, I'm posting another e-mail that my assistant manager sent to me a couple months ago. Enjoy.

25 TRUTHS OF LIFE 

1. If you're too open-minded, your brains will fall out. 
2. Don't worry about what people think, they don't do it very often. 
3. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car. 
4. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity. 
5. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before. 
6. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance. 
7. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious. 
8. It is easier to get forgiveness than permission. 
9. For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program. 
10. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip. 
11. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks. 
12. A conscience is what hurts when all of your other parts feel so good. 
13. Eat well, stay fit, die anyway. 
14. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it! 
15. No man has ever been shot while doing the dishes. 
16. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand. 
17. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places. 
18. Opportunities always look bigger going than coming. 
19. Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it. 
20. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on. 
21. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again. 
22. By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends. 
23. Thou shall not weigh more than thy refrigerator. 
24. Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world. 
25. It ain't the jeans that make your butt look fat.

And from the other list...

UNIVERSAL TRUTHS

1. I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.

2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.

3. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.

4. There is great need for a sarcasm font.

5. How the heck are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

6. Was learning cursive really necessary?

7. Map Quest really needs to start their directions on #5. I'm pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.

8. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.

9. I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.

10. Bad decisions make good stories.

11. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.

12. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray? I don't want to have to restart my collection...again.

13. I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page research paper that I swear I did not make any changes to.

14. "Do not machine wash or tumble dry" means I will never wash this - ever.

15. I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello? Crap!), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voicemail. What did you do after I didn't answer? Drop the phone and run away?

16. I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.

17. I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.

18. I think the freezer deserves a light as well.

19. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lite than K.

20. I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option.

21. Sometimes, I'll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and suddenly realize I had no idea what the heck was going on when I first saw it.

22. I would rather try to carry 10 plastic grocery bags in each hand than take 2 trips to bring my groceries in.

23. The only time I look forward to a red light is when I'm trying to finish a text.

24. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.

25. How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear or understand a word they said?

26. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers and sisters!

27. Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.

28. There's no worse feeling than that millisecond you're sure you are going to die after leaning your chair back a little too far.

29. Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.

30. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I'd bet my behind everyone can find and push the snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time!