Can I be honest? I believe in honesty. And if I can't be honest on a weblog being viewed by people all over the interweb, where can I be honest? So that's what this blog post is about. Honesty.
Actually, it won't be about the virtues of honesty, or why it's important that we're honest with people. It's really about my honest feelings and thoughts. This is about my personal honesty. So get ready, this could be a tough one to swallow.
Ladies and gentlemen, I'm pretty miserable. I spend a great deal of my time feeling depressed. It's not something I'm proud of or happy about. Obviously, if I were happy about it, I wouldn't be depressed, now would I?
The thing is, I'm not really sure how to put my finger on exactly what got me to this point. I realize that I am where I am based on choices that I've made over the years. That's not to say that I think I've made poor choices. I think that, for the most part, I've done the best I could with what was set in front of me. Yet, here I am, working in a job that I despise, and stressing out over an inability to consistently make ends meet from month to month.
I'm sure these things play an enormous part in this depression. Another realistic factor could be my inability to properly grieve the loss of my father. He passed away nearly four years ago, yet, looking back, I'm not sure that I ever really dealt with or got over that loss. And I'm not sure how to change that. There's no handbook for people telling them the right way to grieve.
I admit, I should probably seek professional counseling. Okay, I should eliminate the probably from that last sentence. I took enough psychology in college to know that my head is in a bad place. I have no problem spilling my guts to my friends, but by now, I'm sure they're tired of hearing my woes. I used to be a pretty fun guy to be around. But now, all I can think about is how cynical I've become.
I'm not saying I was the life of every party. But when I want to, I can have a pretty good sense of humor. All I'm doing these days is letting my circumstances drag me down. It really sucks to feel this way. Just so you know.
And to my regular readers, sorry for the downer of a post today. It's just some stuff I had to get off my chest. Not sure that I feel any better though.
you are a brave guy! you are always so honest when you post and really share things that some would be too afraid to share. i firmly believe that God takes these times (like the one you are going thru) and prepares us for something he has in store. maybe its so you will truly appreciate it, or maybe because it may get worse before it gets better. either way, he is in control if you let him be. until then, try to keep finding joy in the little things ... the things the rest of us take for granted.
ReplyDeleteYou are in my prayers, and I am utterly sympathetic to your work and financial woes. If you ever need an escape down South... I've got a spare room and a plethora of Sci-Fi movies...
ReplyDeleteYou know, my friends told me I would enjoy your blog because we have similar interests, but sometimes I read your posts and think, "How did he get inside my head?" Right now, you're going through the archives of my brain from about 5 years ago.
ReplyDeleteSometimes, talking out your problems (whether it be to a friend or a therapist) is not the only solution...or even a solution at all. I'm an extremely logical person, so I could think out solutions to my problems by myself - I didn't need a therapist to tell me what to do. But I didn't have the will or inclination to take the steps I needed or deal with it while I was stuck in that position.
Luckily, my doctor trusted me enough to believe me when I said it wasn't a circumstantial depression, based on my situation, but something inside that made me sad no matter what was going on. She put me on a mild anti-depressant, and it made all the difference in the world.
I didn't mean to talk about myself here (although I'm not ashamed of my depression; it's not something I can help). But I wanted to share it to let you know that there are some things to think about in regards to where your depression is truly coming from. It could very well come from your life circumstances and grief from your father's death. But there are other things to consider, too. So just think it all over, then be sure to see a professional. And if you ever want to talk (granted, to someone without a therapist license), I'm more than happy to listen. You can find me on Facebook - I'm a friend of Joanna Cummings, Tish Smith, and Tiffany Thomas.