Reports of My Fatherhood

...Are highly exaggerated. Yesterday, my sister left a Facebook status message saying, and I quote, "April Peck is going to work.....til 9 and then hitting the road to go see her NEW BABY NEPHEW!!!! I am Super EXCITED!!!!"

Logically speaking, I can only assume she is talking about a child that I have somehow fathered. See, April has but one sibling. That would be me. Therefore, the only way she could biologically have a nephew, new or otherwise, would be if I had a son.

Now, I would think that if I had somehow impregnated a woman, someone would have let me know about it at some point in the last nine months. Come on, that's a long time to inform the father that there's a kid on the way.

Now I just have to figure out who the mother is. Which one took themselves off the pill and didn't tell me? No, wait... I can't do this. I was going to try and take this as far as I could just for the sake of humor. But it seems in poor taste to joke about something like that. Having an illegitimate child out of wedlock is no laughing matter.

Besides, I can only think of one person that could be the mother. I mean, things at the bachelor party got a little out of hand, one thing led to another, yadda yadda yadda, I never heard from her again. I'm just kidding. I can't back that one up either.

I couldn't see myself telling my firstborn son the story of how I met their mother and having it end with, "I didn't know you existed 'til after you were born. And that's why Mommy and Daddy don't live in the same house."

In all seriousness, I am not now, nor do I plan to be a father. Not anytime soon anyway. I contacted my rumor spreading sister last night for an explanation. Her longtime friend Andrea had a baby yesterday. I guess April considers herself to be "Aunt April." I consider her to be "Sister April." That doesn't really matter. Just as long as no one at this juncture considers me to be "Father Aaron."