Torture

A week ago I put out a call for your questions. Believe it or not, I got a response. This week's question comes from a girl who wishes to remain anonymous...

There is this guy that I have great chemistry with. Our connection is indescribable. He’s told me he feels the same way. In his words, “We are so compatible; you are probably the most amazing person I have ever met!” All seems well, right? The problem is that he has a past with a girl who isn’t exactly the most upstanding citizen. She is in jail. I understand that history with someone is a strong bond and can sometimes be a difficult thing to break away from. But when you meet someone and you have mutual feelings, what is the issue? I feel like he is either lying about how much he likes me or there is more to the story with this other girl that he is not telling me. I’m just really confused on what to do. I enjoy this person as a friend but I do want more from him. At this time, he has made it clear that it’s just not possible because of the other girl. Should I continue to torture myself and be around him or just cut it off?

It sounds to me like this guy has a whole lot of baggage and you’re really only seeing the stuff on the surface. It’s obvious that he does have a complicated history with this jailbird and it sounds like he’s not willing to let go of that yet. He may be telling you that you’re compatible together, but if he’s not able to take the friendship a step further with you, then his heart truly lies somewhere else. It sounds like he’s comfortable with you. He’s unsure of what kind of future he could really have with the other woman, so it seems like he wants to keep you close, just in case. He wants to keep you close, but not too close. This means he could go either way. At this point, he knows he can turn to you if thing go further south with the girl in jail. You’re giving him all the power. I know you enjoy spending time with this guy, but from my perspective, it seems like he’s using you. It’s not going to be an easy thing to do, but my suggestion is to back away from him. You said it, you’re just torturing yourself by being around him. And the longer you stay in that situation, the more it will hurt if he decides to stay with the jailbird. Give him some time; allow him to make a decision. Maybe it’s that whole cliché, if you love something set it free. If it doesn’t return, then it was never yours to begin with.

Thanks for sending your e-mail. Each Sunday I'll respond to e-mails as long as I get some. And they can be as serious or not serious as you want them to be. Feel free to e-mail about anything that you want me to devote time to next Sunday.