Life Story: Chapter Five

I don't remember much from my first few years of existence. But really, who does? I don't remember my first steps. I don't remember my first words. I don't remember the first time I went poo-poo in the potty. I assume that all of these events happened at some point, because at this point in my life, I have achieved a mastery of all these skills.

All right, all right... the talking thing is a little sketchy. But once you get to know me, you really can't get me to shut up. And I think I'm pretty good at walking. Sure I trip over my own two feet on occasion, but who hasn't? But I guarantee I've got that whole bathroom thing nailed down.

I didn't set out to be a potty mouth in this post. Initially I intended to write about some of my early memories. The things I actually do remember.

I'm not sure how, but I remember seeing E.T. in the theater. It's possible that was the first movie I saw in the theater. There's something touching about a slimy alien that makes contact with a troubled kid from a broken home. And then the scary astronaut guys break into their broken home. How is that not creepy?

I also remember preschool. I was three years old when I started going to Tabernacle Baptist Church's preschool. I know there were several teachers there, but the only one whose name I can recall is Mrs. Yates. I think I'm allowed to call her Bonnie now, but that just feels weird.

And I don't remember everyone in my class, but two people will always stand out. Jeremy was my best friend in those days. Angie was my first girlfriend. And then my issues with women begin. We'll save that story for next time.

Life was easy in preschool. We played musical chairs. We had a career day where everyone got to act in the job they wanted to be in. I can't remember what career I picked, but I do remember going to one kid's barber shop. He shaved me. And he did a lousy job. I couldn't get my facial hair to grow back for years after that.

And let's not forget the best part: naps. Oh, precious naps. That special time during the day that was set aside for the children, after a gruelling morning of shapes and colors, to lie down on beach towels on the cold, tile floor. Maybe that should be my platform when I run for president. Naptimes for everyone! I'd vote for me just based on that alone.