Belonging

I'm dropping out of seminary. Have I mentioned that fact here before? Well, I am. It's a decision that I've come to, but haven't arrived at it lightly. A lot of prayer and thought has gone into this decision over the last six months or so. Someday, maybe I'll go into all of the details and reasons why. But today is not that day.

Today I just want to go into one of the reasons. And this is a reason that just presented itself to me this morning. As the months have passed by, I've continually asked God to provide confirmation that the decision I've reached is the right one. And as the months have passed by, I've received small signs confirming that decision. Today I got another.

I went to my theology class only to discover that the teacher would not be there today. Instead he had his TA drop off a few questionnaires for the class. The instruction was for us to break off into groups of 4 or 5 and discuss the questions. Really, it was busy work for the people who bothered to show up to class today. I just happened to be one of those lucky people.

As I sat in my small group, I realized just how out of place I was. I realized how much I didn't belong among these people. The questions weren't that difficult. Based on the notes and readings I've done for this class, I could have answered all three of them without blinking an eye. But as these subjects were discussed among my classmates, I felt entirely inadequate. Some of the ideas and thoughts that they were verbalizing just made me feel like I was a primate that had randomly stumbled into a classroom, was handed a pencil, and told to have at it.

I've never thought of myself as a stupid person. I've never thought of myself as a genius. But I've always thought that I could hold my own in an intelligent conversation. Turns out, aside from making a few witty remarks, I couldn't add a whole lot to the discussion.

Now, I could easily fall back on that shyness crutch. I tend to do that. Maybe it just boils down to the fact that I'm not cut out for a masters level program. I don't think I lack the intelligence for it. I just lack the motivation. Maybe I'm just telling myself that to boost my ego a little. Maybe I just don't want to end up as dumb as I feel when I walk out of some of these classes.

I've mentioned in the past that some of the things I read for seminary are extremely advanced. I even posted an example of said readings. If I can't grasp these things, what am I doing here?