Hungry Bears

I saw a report on the news this morning about a bunch of bears, or a sleuth, on the loose in Aspen, Colorado. Apparently, the bears are just looking for some food. This is hardly the first time a wild bear has invaded the territory that man has rightfully taken over. It certainly won't be the last time we hear of such a report.

Bears, like most animals, get hungry. It's a fact. But I submit that we should not panic over these creatures lumbering through town looking for something to eat. There are some very simple steps that anyone can take to subdue these large animals. All you have to do is determine the type of bear you're dealing with.

I'm not suggesting that you know each type of bear species. Some are easy to recognize: the black bear, the polar bear, the grizzly. Just try to recognize if it's male or female, or a cub of any gender.

Your first step is to feed the bear. This part may be a little difficult. According to legend, bears prefer porridge. I'll admit, I'm not too sure what porridge actually is. I'm sure it's delicious. But this is where it becomes important to know what kind of bear you're feeding. If it's a large male, you're going to want to serve your porridge hot. Some would consider it too hot. If it's an adult female, the porridge should be cold. Again, some might think of it as too cold. And if the bear is a wee cub, you'll want the porridge to be lukewarm. In less common instances, the bear you're facing could be a panda. In this case, you will want to provide chopsticks with the bowl.

Now, tell the truth, when you've had a good meal and are feeling full, don't you often feel tired? Well, that's the theory here. It is assumed that, once the bear has had a filling portion of porridge, it will get drowsy. If you don't want to take any chances, you may want to add a sleep aid to the porridge while you're preparing it.

Your next step will be to lay out a mattress near the bowl of porridge. This is to tempt the sleepy bear with a full stomach to lie down and take a nap. Again, the kind of mattress you set out will depend on the kind of bear you've just fed. The adult male prefers a firm mattress. Like, really firm. The full grown female likes the soft mattress. And for the cub, you'll want something that has a medium firmness. I'm not sure how the people at Sleep Number would classify these mattresses. It may be worth your while to do some research on this.

Once the bear is sleeping soundly, call animal control so that they can deliver the satisfied critter back to the wild. You can attempt to carry the animal yourself, but I would prefer to leave this part to the professionals. After all, you wouldn't want to accidentally jostle the sleeping bear and wake him or her up.