Legends of the Bank Customer

Before I get into the meat of this here blog post, I'd like to extend a heartfelt congratulations to the corporate powers that be at Bank of America. You have proven the ability to run your business like a great lot of morons.

Look, I've been out of the banking game for a few years now. I am extremely grateful for that turn of events, by the way. That said, I'm not completely sure just how things are going with the larger banks in America. Sure, I watch the news, but I kind of tune out when they talk about financial things. The economy kind of sucks. That's about all I feel I need to know about it.

I've been a customer of Bank of America for nearly 10 years. When I left Bluefield after college, I decided it would be a good idea to have my accounts with a bank that could be found just about anywhere in the country. After all, at the time, I had no idea where I would land on my feet. At the time, I was in Roanoke, but I was fairly certain that's not where I would plant my roots. Here we are, all these years later, and I'm still not sure where those roots will take root.

I seem to recall the Bank of America taking a government bailout back when all those other ginormous corporations were taking bailouts. It was a trendy thing to do toward the end of the last decade. Or was it the beginning of this decade? I can't keep up. The economy sucks. It's sucked for a while. That's about all I feel I need to know about it.

From what I gather, Bank of America isn't doing so swell these days. Locally, they sold off many of their branches to other, smaller banks. On the plus side, they made this move to save the jobs of countless tellers and branch managers, probably all over the country. It's good that these hardworking people are not forced to find new jobs. If they enjoy their banking positions, I hope they continue to enjoy them with their new employers and that their transition is smooth.

But there hasn't been much of a plus side for me. The switch from a large, national bank to a smallish, community bank has been rocky at best. I want to be optimistic, I really do. But voluntarily switching banks is a pain. Doing it involuntarily is more so.

Several weeks ago, I was provided with information letting me know that yesterday would be the final day for me to use my Bank of America account. To my understanding, this meant that October 24 would be the end of online banking, debit card, checking account, and savings account as I knew them. And then, a few days ago, I received more information letting me know that I would have full access to the new bank's online system on Monday, October 27. So what do I do in the meantime? Well, it's a safe bet that I won't have to worry about any fluctuations in my account balances during this weekend, because I have no access to my money.

Earlier this week, I received my new debit card in the mail. In a separate envelope, I received my new PIN. Yesterday, knowing that my Bank of America account would no longer exist, I thought it would be a good idea to activate my new card, in the hopes that I would still have access to my money, in case I needed it for frivolous purchases like gas or food. But then I noticed the sticker on the card. You know, the one that usually has a number to call for activation? Yeah, it informed me that I needed to use the ATM and enter my new PIN in order to activate my new card. No big deal, right? I just planned to go by the newly rebranded local branch to use the newly rebranded ATM. But as I pulled into the parking lot, I noticed that a number of very official men were busy installing those newly rebranded ATMs.

So much for activating my new card to have access to my money. Then I thought I'd just go inside the branch to see if I could make a withdrawal. If I can't use my card, maybe I can just have some extra cash on hand for frivolous purchases like gas or food. As I parked the car, I noticed the hand written sign that said they would reopen on Monday at 9. Awesome.

As of this afternoon, I had not cut up my old debit card yet. I thought it would be worth a shot to see if I could still use the old thing. Just in case I needed to access my money for frivolous purchases like gas or food. But I quickly discovered in the self checkout line at the Kroger that my card is no longer active. So I drove home empty handed, with no gas or food.

On a different day than the arrival of my brand new, useless debit card, I received a very large package full of personal checks. Like a lot of people of my generation, I very rarely write a check. On a regular basis, I write two checks per month. My new bank sent me approximately 3,262 checks with name and current address in the upper left hand corner. I never asked for these checks, but I assume they were free. I'll never use them all, but here they are. I assumed that a personal check would be my last good chance at having access to the money that's lost in some limbo between two banks.

I grabbed the first of my 3,262 checks and went back to Kroger. I waited in line at the customer service desk and finally got my chance to ask if I could cash a personal check. "I'm sorry," said the customer service lady, "We can only cash preprinted payroll checks." Again... awesome. And if my experience working in retail is any indicator, a lot of places don't accept personal checks anymore anyway. So why try?

Are you keeping track of this epic banking failure? I cannot access online banking. I cannot use my debit card to make purchases. I cannot activate my new debit card because the new ATM at my new bank is not yet working. I cannot cash a personal check. I'm not broke, but I'm kind of broke. Until Monday at 9am.

I'm so glad I'm able to embark on this banking adventure. I'm hoping the excitement will continue with some random emails from companies that normally receive regular payments that come automatically from my checking account letting me know that they did not receive their regular payments this month and that I'll be expected to give them a little extra because I missed my payments. A bonus would be if I have to call those companies to let them know I still can't access my accounts via the internet, debit card, or personal check.

Thank You

I'm a big fan of Jimmy Fallon and the success he's had on late night television. I've been extremely happy with how The Tonight Show has fared since he took over. I hadn't watched the show since the network pushed Conan out. I was never a big fan of Leno and was even less so after that whole fiasco. But this post isn't about the late night talk show wars.

I'm glad that Fallon has imported a lot of his bits from Late Night. Particularly, I'm glad he's still writing his Thank You Notes. For some reason, that Friday night staple cracks me up. So I hope Mr. Fallon won't mind that I have a few thank yous of my own.

• Thank you, Old Navy, for playing the same songs over and over each night that I work. Now I can sing along with all of One Direction's many brilliant songs.
• Thank you, corporate powers that be, for strategically placing sporting equipment throughout the store, thereby inviting small children to treat Old Navy as a gymnasium. Nothing screams "playground" like concrete floors and tables lined with neatly folded clothes that can be easily thrown to the floor when an amateur sports star collides with them.
• Thank you, Interstate 81 motorists, for driving 10 under the speed limit while you're in front of me, then speeding up to 15 over when I attempt to pass you. I wasn't serious about wanting to get away from your inconsistent driving abilities anyway. It's just a little joke I like to play on other people on the road.
• Thank you, 108-year-old driver, for pulling out in front of me on my way to work this morning. Your willingness to drive 40 in a 55 all the way from Christiansburg to Floyd County gave me an extra 10 minutes to spend in my car. I'm sure it was important to use that time to fuel my road rage before going to work with several children with anger management issues.
• Thank you, race day rain, for falling strongly as I hit the fourth mile in the 10k I ran. When sweat washed into my eyes I was reminded that the ability to see clearly while running in a crowd of people is an overrated commodity.
• Thank you, Jimmy Fallon and NBC, for not suing me for stealing Mr. Fallon's hilariously brilliant Tonight Show bit. Seriously. Thank you.

That's all I've got for now. If my blog doesn't get shut down for breaching some sort of copyright law, maybe I'll come up with more people and things to thank in the future.

BTdub... Don't forget about my 2000th Blog Post Spectacular! You can still win stuff! Several Oz-related items. Not the old HBO show. The Oz with the Wizard and Wicked Witch and Dorothy and stuff. The contest goes on through next Tuesday (4/15). Don't wait to enter!

I'll Never Get It

Okay. I gave it a shot. Of course, I'm talking about the Puppy Bowl. I'm sure there are a number of people who would claim that I didn't give it a fair shot, seeing as how I only sat through approximately 10 minutes of it (2 of which were commercials).

At least this one looks happy.

I don't understand why this is a thing. No, I take that back. I understand why it's a thing. I just don't understand why it's a thing that so many people like to watch. I'm sure the numbers are nowhere near the numbers seen by the people that calculate ratings for the Super Bowl. But it's enough that Animal Planet insists on airing this thing year after year. Going on 10 now.

To me, it looks like they took a bunch of random dogs, tossed them into a room designed to look like a football field, and gave them a bunch of random chew toys. Then they said, "Hey, let's film this thing!" I'm sorry, but this seems like the stuff that would make for a good YouTube video, not network television.

And the commercials weren't even that good. They're the same commercials you see on cable all the time. Including, but not limited to, the latest life changing invention that you can get five of if you call right now and just pay separate handling fees and Sarah McLaughlin ruining your day with images of abused animals in shelters... twice.

I guess I just don't like watching animals play human sports. Unless they're bears playing ice hockey. Seriously. They're bears. And they're playing hockey. It never stops being hilarious.

The 5 Annoyances of Christmas

I know. You just read that title and thought, "This guy is such a Grinch!" But I'm really not. I love Christmas. I might not get as into the holiday spirit as a lot of people do, but I certainly don't sit around thinking of ways to ruin Christmas for everyone around me. There are just some things about this season that get slightly under my skin. After reading, if you still think I'm this century's answer to an unwealthy Ebenezer Scrooge, you are entitled to that opinion. And feel free to share your thoughts in the comments. For now, here are my thoughts...

1. Early Christmas Carols - Don't get me wrong. I love Christmas carols. Someone who loves music and loves to sing as much as I do can't help but enjoy a Christmas song from time to time. My problem comes when your local radio stations begin playing those Christmas songs at the beginning of November. And they play them non-stop. The thing is, those radio stations only have the rights to so many songs. On top of that, there are only so many different versions of those few Christmas songs. So you end up hearing the same 20 songs over and over again for approximately 55 days. If that doesn't drive you a little crazy, number two might.
2. Retail Stores - This one might just be because I work in a retail store. I would love for someone to explain to me why we feel the need to, throughout the entire month of December, stay open until midnight. Every night. I get that stores are busier, what with people buying Christmas gifts and all. But do stores stay busy past a certain time? Absolutely not. Most nights, we don't see a single customer in the last 2 hours that we're open. And when we do, it's the family that decide to bring their 3 year old twins to get all of their Christmas shopping done at 11pm. Yes, we talk about you while you're shopping. It's because we're angry at you and judge you as parents.
3. Empty Threats - This is where I talk about Santa Claus. This time of year, parents love to use the "Santa is watching" thing when their kids' behavior is getting out of hand. It's an easy cop out kind of threat. The implication is that if the child doesn't behave, he or she could end up on the naughty list and, by extension, receive nothing for Christmas. But where's the follow through? I know there have got to be a lot of children out there who don't care about how badly they misbehave, but they still receive a ridiculous amount of presents on Christmas morning. I know these children exist because I see them every day at work. Parents, I'd like to hear from any of you whose children have been "naughty" and actually received coal, or nothing, on Christmas day.
4. Decorating Vehicles as Reindeer - I might get a lot of flack for this one. Sorry, I just don't see the point in installing fake antlers on the roof and attaching a big red ball to the grill. Related: dressing pets up in Christmas attire. Also related: dressing pets up in any attire at any time of the year.
5. Christmas Shoes - I really don't think I need to elaborate on this one. I just... don't. Okay?

The Thanksgiving TV Chef

Prior to the start of the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade, one of the correspondents on CBS did a segment with "Chef" Marcel. She said his name like he's someone important, possibly famous. I don't know. I've never heard of him. And I hope I never hear of him again. I used the sarcastic quotes with his title because he really didn't show me that he's any more of a chef than I am.

Together, they were making an apple pie. A nice, American tradition, right? The correspondent lady was put in charge of the apples. This included mixing in the sugar, cinnamon, etc. And what did the "chef" do? He unrolled a premade Pillsbury pie crust. Actually, he rolled out two: one for the bottom, one for the top.

"Chef" Marcel did nothing more than the actress in the Pillsbury commercial that aired only a few minutes after the cooking segment. Actually, the actress did more. She cut slits in the top crust to allow the pie filling to not cause the pie to explode in the oven.

I'm pretty sure this "Chef" Marcel that CBS hired to help with Thanksgiving is a fraud.

And wouldn't it have been a little more appropriate to make a pumpkin pie? Maybe pecan? There's nothing wrong with an apple pie, but I think a real chef could have accepted the challenge of making something a little more complicated than apple. Step it up, Marcel.

*The pie pictured above looks a lot better than the one Marcel made.

Sharing the Groceries

You know what? I consider myself a somewhat friendly person.

No. I can't back that up. I'm far to introverted to ever be considered a "friendly" person. The best I can give you is probably "I'm not mean." Will that work? I'm not a mean person.

The thing is, I'm single and usually at the broke end of the wealth spectrum. I live in an apartment with roommates out of necessity. That necessity being that I can't afford to live on my own at the moment. The roommates I currently have are people that I don't know very well. These guys are not friends of mine. I'm only in the same apartment with them because the property managers of the complex in which we live randomly placed us together.

Because we are not friends, I do not want to share my groceries with them. Is that so wrong? I work very hard for the little money I receive on a monthly basis. So I want to use that money on the groceries that I want to eat. I simply can't afford to feed myself along with two hungry college students.

Financially, things have been difficult lately. It's hard to make ends meet when snow days get in the way. If I've never explained, I don't get paid for days when I'm not in school. I mean, it's great to have a day off every now and then... or to only have a 3 day work week (like we did for most of the winter), but that makes my savings account disappear. So this week, I made a plan. I bought the groceries I would need to get me through to my next paycheck. I planned out my meals. That plan changes when suddenly some of the food I bought has disappeared.

Math lesson: Yesterday I opened a new package of frozen chicken patties. That package contained 9 frozen chicken patties. I ate 2 of them. Today, I looked in the freezer and that package only contained 4 frozen chicken patties. Do you see how the numbers don't add up? Or subtract down, as it were. If I've done my math correctly, there are three missing.

Notice this image is from Home Alone. That's how I wish I was more often than not. Via

It would be completely different if I lived with roommates that I considered friends. Back when I lived with the Other Single Guy, we went to the store together. We shared the grocery bill more often than not. But that's now how it is with the guys I'm living with right now. We don't go to the store together. We don't do anything together. We're not friends! I don't want you to eat my food! I don't drink your vodka!

Yesterday, one of the guys let me know he used a cup of my milk to make mashed potatoes. That's fine. You know why? I drink out of the jug of milk that I purchase. It's mine, that's my right. So I've been drinking out of that jug. And I have a cold. So, roommate that's been stealing my food, I hope you enjoy my germs in the next couple days.

As always, donations to the Feed the Blogger Fund are undeserved but much appreciated!

How to Make Bronchitis Fun

So your general practitioner has diagnosed you with bronchitis. And now you're sitting at home thinking, "This is just no fun!" as you hack into your sleeve or a handkerchief. But why look at this temporary disease as no fun? Instead of engaging in a pessimistic attitude about your bronchitis, find ways of making it fun.

How does one make a respiratory illness fun? Well, it's tricky, but I believe it can be done. The first thing you need to determine is what kind of bronchitis you're afflicted with. If it's acute bronchitis, it can be pretty contagious. Depending on your moral compass, you may decide you don't want to be around people, thereby avoiding a situation in which you spread your version of the virus. If you have no moral compass, by all means, take a trip out in public. On the other hand, if it's adorable bronchitis, you have nothing to worry about when it comes to passing on your germs. Chances are, someone will start coughing, but it won't be because of you!

Now that you've figured out the nature of your disease, it's time to decide what you can do with all your free time. Are you the type who worries about what strangers may think of you? Do you worry that you may cause someone to become ill? Then this blog post may not be for you. You may find yourself in a joyless existence for the next 2 to 4 weeks while your bronchitis runs its course or your antibiotics fight the infections. For you, I would suggest hitting up the Redbox on the way home from the pharmacy and settle in for a chick flick marathon.

Everyone else, I invite you to get creative and, more importantly, adventurous! My first suggestion really depends on your proximity to a city. In my experience, most small towns don't normally come with buildings equipped with elevators. Do you see where I'm going with this? That's right, find an elevator. The first thing you want to do is find a popular building that has an elevator. You definitely want an elevator that's going to have a lot of people in the car with you at one time. It's probably best to go with this activity in the morning, as people are arriving for work, or in the late afternoon, as the ants go marching back home. Have you chosen your elevator? Good. Make your way to the back of the car and just wait. Once the elevator is full, just start letting your coughs go. Please, be sure to cough into your sleeve or a tissue. To not cover your mouth would just be rude. At the same time, people will still react to your coughs, and their reactions will often be humorous. Every now and then, you'll come across that one in a million person who will see if you're okay and offer you a lozenge of some kind. This will probably restore your fragile faith in humanity for one more day. Mostly, the people on the elevator will panic and try to claw their way out like rats trapped in a maze. Just think about that for the rest of the day and you have a ready made laugh.

The next activity involves a kitchen, a hot stove, a tea kettle and, you guessed it, tea. Chances are, with the bronchitis, you've been coughing quite a bit. This can cause a great deal of irritation to your throat. A warm beverage, like tea, can be very soothing to a sore throat, and may even help to relieve some of the coughing you've been doing. First, do you have a tea kettle ready to go? Good. Next, fill the kettle with water. Put it on the stove to boil. You'll want to be sure to place the kettle on the correct eye. It's got to be the one that's turned on and is heating up. Next, turn away from the kettle. Whatever you do, don't look at it and certainly don't watch it. It will never boil that way. If possible, leave the room. The kettle will scream at you when the water has come to a boil. It's amazing what technology can do these days. It may seem like forever, but as long as you're not looking, the water will come to a boil. Get your favorite mug out of the cabinet and place a tea bag inside the mug. Next, pour the boiling water into the cup and allow the tea to steep. Depending on your personal preferences, you may want to add lemon or honey or milk or sugar. I've heard some people do these things. I don't know, I really don't like hot tea.

Might I also suggest watching this helpful YouTube video. I caution you, however, not to watch too often. When you have bronchitis, laughter can only serve to worsen your cough more often than not. In which case, you may need to make more tea.

I didn't even know Jesus was a reporter. Awesome.

Ladies and gentlemen, those are only a few very fun suggestions that should give you something to do when you're suffering from bronchitis. If you have other suggestions, please share them in the comments below. I'm sure all the sick people of the world will appreciate your helpful ideas and hints.

Hallmark's Heartstrings

I'm usually very okay with a decent Hallmark commercial. I believe greeting cards serve a very great purpose because there are a lot of us who seem to be unable to come up with the right thing to say for the right occasions. But there's something about one of Hallmark's latest commercials that just... well, frankly, it scares the crap out of me. I'm gonna embed the ad below. Watch it, then stay tuned for my thoughts. And try to figure out the creepy part, it shouldn't be too hard.
Okay, did you catch that? Most of the commercial is just fine. It's almost sweet. You've got all these people who are looking for some kind of affirmation that a simple card can easily provide. But then there's the woman at the 18-second mark. She gets out of the car and as the car is driving away, she's following along quickly, desperately, clinging to the door while saying, "Tell me you'll never let me go."

Uh... Does this woman strike anyone else as a crazy stalker? It's not just the fact that she's hanging on to the car for dear life as her significant other is trying to make a quick getaway. It's the look in her eyes, as well. I'm no expert, but I'm pretty sure she's got the crazy eyes.

From the look of things, she just got out of the back of a cab. So it isn't the boyfriend who's pulling away. It's the astute cab driver who recognizes the insanity that just exited his vehicle. The dude in the back seat needs to be sure to tip that cabbie extra. Meanwhile, he needs to get home, make sure his door is locked about seven times, then run to the kitchen to make sure there isn't a rabbit boiling on the stove. It happens.

But the rest of the commercial? So heartwarming. Especially the kid dressed as a super-hero. Adorable. They just should have eliminated the lady who's late for her commitment hearing.

Big Head! Big Head! Big Head!

No, I'm not talking about my ego.

I have a fairly large cranium. I know there are people out there with bigger heads. I've seen people out there with bigger heads. But in the scheme of things, I can't imagine there are many. I should probably go to a doctor and have them measure the size of my head and figure out what percentile I fall into. I've got to be in the 80s, at least.

Via

I look in the mirror and I see a large head staring back at me. And it's not an overweight thing. I've lost some weight in recent months. I've been told that people notice the weight loss in my face. Notice they say "face" and not "head." That's because my gargantuan skull remains the same size.

But I treated myself to a haircut today. It's not something I often do. Every other month or so. I should probably do it more often. Because my hair gets thick. It doesn't get long (after a certain point), it just gets thicker. Like it's building from underneath. And I think that only serves to make my head look larger. Trust me, it's not all an illusion of massive hair that makes it seem big. But getting rid of all that hair can make it seem smaller.

I got home tonight and took a look in the mirror. The haircut really worked wonders. It's like I got a head transplant. Almost like my head is a normal size. Maybe I'll finally be able to pull off that fedora I've always wanted to wear.

Why Daniel Should Have Lost

That title should really read, "Why Daniel Should Have Lost Twice."

First, I want to start by saying that I love The Karate Kid. It's got to be one of my favorite movies of all time. I'm not exactly sure where I would rank it, but it's probably somewhere in my top 100. Also, in my opinion, part 2 might be just as good, maybe better. That being said, I have a sort of problem with the way those things turned out.

Okay, it's not a problem, per se. I do enjoy the happy ending of seeing the underdog win against seemingly impossible odds. But I just don't think Daniel-san should have won either of the fights that he participated in at the climax of both of those films. It should go without saying, I will be spoiling the endings to Karate Kid, parts I and II. If you haven't seen these movies, you might want to go read something else. Actually, don't read something else. Find these movies and watch them right now. You're long overdue.

In the first one, Daniel makes his way through the tournament, taking out black belts left and right. And this is perfectly logical, since he's been learning karate for about three months. Meanwhile, the kids who have been training for years drop like flies. But it's very easy for the audience to suspend their disbelief that a kid from Newark with no martial arts experience can rise in the tournament ranks during a brief montage while listening to an inspirational song.

So Daniel gets to the semi-finals where he faces the only halfway decent kid from the Cobra Kai squad. I mean, he's still a dirtbag, but he's a dirtbag who has been shown to have a conscience at several points throughout the movie. He basically destroys Daniels knee because Sensei Kreese ordered him to do so. He felt really bad about it, but the damage had been done. The doctor on the scene informed Daniel that the tournament was over for him. But then Mr. Miyagi works his magic and Daniel's knee is miraculously better. This means he can fight Johnny in the title match. Of course, he wins, but he really shouldn't.

Johnny goes for the bad knee. This is all thanks to Sensei Kreese's advice to "sweep the leg." When Johnny sweeps the leg, that should be the end of it. But Daniel gets right back up. Then he starts to get into the Crane position, ready to deliver that final blow. I never took karate a day in my life, but I can't imagine that this is actually a good move. I mean, think about how long it takes Daniel to set this up. Yeah, it's a matter of a few seconds, but any fool can see what's coming. Unless you're the bad guy who's supposed to lose so the underdog can win and make the audience cheer. When Miyagi first introduces Daniel to the Crane Technique, he tells the kid that "if do right, no can defense." We find out that that's not exactly true in Part II.

In the sequel, it makes no sense for Chozen to antagonize Daniel throughout the movie. But he does. And it begins the moment they meet. There's no logical reason for it. But our underdog needs a villain to take down in the final act. So there you have it. But as Miyagi points out, their fight isn't about points or who walks away with the tournament trophy. The fight between Daniel and Chozen is life and death.

Chozen is the kind of guy who will not hold back when his honor is on the line. He was described by Daniel's love interest as "Sato's best student." Daniel's been training with Miyagi for a year at best by this point. Chozen has been training with Sato (who would have been teaching the same techniques) for his entire life. At least, that's the most likely scenario. And if Chozen has that much experience and is looking to take Daniel's life, logic dictates that Daniel should not have survived his own sequel.

Of course, Daniel begins this fight by leaning back on the Crane kick. Makes sense, right? I mean, it won him a trophy at the end of part I. Why wouldn't it save his life this time around? Well, that's because we find out that Miyagi's "no can defense" thing was way off. Chozen blocks it like he's been blocking that same kick since he was three. We see the fight progress and we watch as Chozen lands blows that break a stone statue. This means that each hit that lands somewhere on Daniel's body should break bones and cause some severe internal bleeding. Just when Daniel is down, probably about to lose his life, the citizens of Tome Village begin banging their pocket drums and the Karate Kid is suddenly inspired to get up and win the fight.

I get it. The audience wants a feel good ending. I'm just putting it out there that, in reality, Daniel should have lost both of these fights. But please, don't allow my cynicism to stop you from enjoying these classic films. They're still excellent movies and I watch them any time I get a chance.

All I Want for Christmas

Ladies and gentlemen, there are only 7 shopping days left until Christmas. I know that many of you out there may be scratching your heads, wondering what to get your friendly, neighborhood Single Guy.

Now, I'm not a very materialistic kind of person. Most of the things on my wish list are items that I would likely never buy for myself. But they're items that I'd like to dream of having. Maybe I would purchase these things if I ever won the lottery that I never play.

After perusing the list below, if you feel the Christmas spirit moving you to get me a little something for the upcoming holiday, just let me know if you need my address and we can work something out.

• A really good digital camera - I'm not a stickler for the brand or model. I just want something that will get the job done in a quality kind of way.
• A really good video camera - I've made empty promises about video blogging in the past. But it's something I'd really like to do at some point. Can't do it without a video camera, though.
• Community and/or How I Met Your Mother - Any season of either of these shows would be awesome. I also enjoy Modern Family. These are the programs that crack me up.
• The Wii U - I don't have room for my current Wii. Which is why I left it in the capable hands of the Creasys. But that doesn't mean I'm not curious about the new gaming system.
• Playstaion 3 - My mourning period is over. My old PS3 is dead. It's time to move on. This is one that I absolutely would buy for myself if I had the money to do so. But since I don't, it's on the list.
• Gift cards - Particularly from Amazon, Target, Kroger or various restaurants.
• Kindle Fire - I have an older Kindle that still works great, but I wouldn't mind having the thing in color.
• A new apartment - I have a roof over my head that I can (most of the time) afford. But I'd still prefer to have a place all to myself. Having roommates with whom I have nothing in common is awkward at best. Especially when you consider my lack of personality.

I suppose that's it. Not a very long list, but I've listed some pretty pricey items. If some of you would like to go in together on some of these things, I won't hold it against you. Merry Christmas, everyone!

The Evidence Speaks for Itself

After 30 years of competing for parental affection and favoritism, the clear winner is my younger sister, April. The latest and most obvious proof that April's the favorite? A surprise party for her 30th birthday.

Let the record show: I did not receive a surprise birthday party when I turned 30 back in 2010. In fact, I had to plan my own 30th birthday bash. It was a simple dinner with friends and family at Macado's. Nothing surprising at all. But let's not live in the past. At least, not yet. We'll get back to the past soon enough.

I'm happy to state that April was, in fact, surprised by this party. I got to play an integral role in pulling the wool over her eyes. Mom asked me to call her up to invite her out to dinner for her birthday. I wasn't sure that April would fall for this bizarre turn of events. After all, I live in Radford now. I rarely drive into Roanoke anymore because gas is expensive. And I'm pretty cheap. Also, I'm fairly certain I've never offered to take my sister to dinner before. Hey! Hold off on the "you're a bad brother" accusations there Mr. Judgypants! It's not that I don't think she deserves to be treated to dinner by her big brother. It's just that I'm pretty cheap. And mostly broke.

But she fell for it. No one ever said she was that bright. This is the girl that I convinced at the age of 8 that funeral homes cut off the legs of the deceased and that's why you never see the bottom half of the casket open. Geez... maybe I am a bad brother.

So I picked her up last Saturday, the night of her 30th birthday, and fed her the elaborate story of how I needed to stop by my friend Brandon's old house to pick up something he supposedly left on his porch for me. Of course, there would be nothing there. As expected, the house was dark and empty. So I called Brandon to "see where he was" so I could meet him and "pick up the alleged item he was supposed to have left for me." I was pulling this off without a hitch. The point of all this was to get April to the Vinton Masonic Lodge, where her party was being held. But there was no reason for us to pull into that parking lot if I was taking her to dinner. So I lied and created a reason.

She was none the wiser until she recognized a bunch of cars at the lodge. "Something about this isn't right," she said as I turned off the car and headed inside. If she had had a few more minutes, I'm sure she would have figured it out. But I decided to deflect her questions by striding toward the door and walking inside. Many of April's closest friends and family began applauding. I bowed, assuming they were impressed with my sly maneuvering whilst getting my sister to the party. Or they could have been clapping and shouting because the guest of honor had arrived. No, I was not the guest of honor.

As I said, this is just the latest bit of proof that April was the favorite. Many years ago, my folks bought a house in southwest Roanoke. They moved us into this ancient house on Denniston Avenue, giving April the largest bedroom in the house. What room did they give me? It was the tiny room that the previous owners had used as a walk-in closet. Yeah.

I'll admit, the folks eventually made it pretty decent in there. They did this by hooking me up with loft furniture, which allowed me to fit more furniture into a cramped space. But it still wasn't exactly ideal. See, my tiny walk-in closet of a bedroom had three windows, all with a western exposure. Guess what that meant from about 2pm until long after sundown? That's right, my room became the hottest room in the house.

Remember, this was an ancient house. We didn't have the fancy central air that you see in a lot of homes built after the 1930s. No, we made do (or is it made due?) with window units that were strategically placed throughout the house. Knowing I had the hottest room in the house, do you think the folks made it up to me by placing one of these strategic window units in my bedroom? Nope. The reasoning? Because my room was on the front of the house, facing the street. It would look tacky to have an air conditioner hanging out the window that faced the street.

Oh, but that logic is flawed! 95% of all guests we invited over to our home came in through the back door, because we parked the cars in the alley behind our house. But that didn't stop the folks from placing a window unit in the window that sat approximately 4 inches from the porch swing hanging over the back porch.

Eventually, April was moved from the largest bedroom to the other bedroom. Note, the house was officially listed as a 2 bedroom, 1 bath house. But they didn't move her over there until they gutted the room and completely remodeled it. They enlarged the closet for her. Though I'm not sure they needed to. After all, I was already living in a perfectly good walk-in closet.

And I don't even want to talk about the time she got a pony just because she asked for one!

Oncoming Traffic

What is the deal with people driving on the wrong side of the road? This is a dangerous phenomenon that I come across every single day, multiple times a day, driving to and from work.

I drive down Indian Valley Road on a daily basis. This is a treacherous road under the best possible conditions. God help me on days that see rain. If you ever have the extreme misfortune of traveling down this road, take it slow. Real slow. Because most people don't. Even I don't take it slow anymore. But I never go so fast that I lose control of my vehicle, causing me to drift over the double yellow line going around curves.

For the record, Indian Valley Road has a lot of curves. Particularly of the hairpin variety. Oh, and many of them are blind curves. You know, the kind that block you from seeing what could be just past those curves. Those are the places where people seem to enjoy driving on the wrong side of the road the most.

For a long time, I believed that these idiot drivers limited themselves to near head-on collisions on those blind curves. I've recently determined that is not always the case. While it doesn't happen as often, I do see people crossing over on straight stretches of road.

I can't help but wonder why, after 16 years of driving independently, I'm seeing this so frequently in only a few short months. Is this a problem that is localized to just this one county in which I work? I know it isn't a certain type of vehicle, because I've nearly collided with everything from compact cars to large moving vans. Did the citizens of this county receive a bulletin letting them know that the solid yellow lines in the middle of the road are merely suggestions?

I'd be almost understanding if I found out that there has been a huge influx of immigrants from the UK and they're all having difficulty getting used to driving on the right side. But I've heard nary a British accent in my time here.

So please, I beg of you, if you can't control your car at the increased rate of speed you obviously want to go, slow down. Especially around those dangerous curves. The life you save could be your own. And mine.

One Less Thing

So today I was able to cross something off my lifelong list of disaster movies to survive. It was an earthquake. Here's the rest of the list...

Survive the Following Disaster Movies

• Shipwreck/Sinking Ship (Titanic or Poseidon Adventure)
• Alien Invasion (Independence Day)
• Skyscraper Fire (The Towering Inferno)
• Earthquake (Earthquake)
• Volcano Eruption (Dante's Peak)
• Killer Bees (The Swarm)
• Zombie Apocalypse (Zombieland)
• 2012 (2012)

I'll keep you posted when I make it through the next event.

The Slobstopper

Please, somebody, tell me that this is not a real product.



Can I take a minute to make an observation or two? First of all, the dude drinking coffee in the car... How long have you been drinking beverages? Have you always had that much trouble? I could understand spilling that much coffee if you were distracted by that girl walking by and you rear ended someone while driving and simultaneously taking a sip. But you appeared to be parked. Also, your coffee? Looked more like you were drinking chocolate milk. You just put it in one of those trendy coffee cups to make it look like you weren't three years old. Oh, and that girl walking by shook her head when you spilled your chocolate milk all over yourself. Are you telling me that in the next scene, when she sees you wearing an over-sized bib, she's thinking, "Wow, that guy's a real catch!" Either way dude in the car, you're screwed. You have a serious drinking problem. You can either spill it on yourself or you can walk around in a bib. This is a lose-lose situation.

Rebooting Buffy

There are a number of articles across the internet about how Warner Bros. is going ahead with a remake of Buffy the Vampire Slayer. The link there is one of those articles. And it has a snippet of Joss Whedon's reaction to this news.

Joss Whedon, if you aren't aware, is the creator of Buffy and all her related characters. Originally, Buffy was bound to be a big-screen heroine in a horror/action/drama with snappy dialogue, much like the TV show eventually turned out to be. But the producers wanted to turn the story of a cheerleader turned fighter-of-evil into a comedy. 'Cause who would believe that a cute blond from LA could seriously be a superhero without being made fun of.

Thankfully, Whedon got a second chance with his creation and moved her to the television. I don't feel the need to get into how awesome the show is when I already got into it earlier this month.

My reasoning behind writing this post isn't about how awesome Buffy the Vampire Slayer already is. It's about how lame Hollywood is. I've said it before and I'm sure I'll say it again, it seems these days that the people in charge of our entertainment simply can't come up with an original idea to save their lives.

How many of these "reboots" have we had to endure in movies and television over the last few years? Halloween, Friday the 13th, A Nightmare on Elm Street, The A-Team, The Bionic Woman, Knight Rider, Hawaii Five-O. And then there's the super-hero movies. Batman Begins restarted that franchise less than a decade after it's most recent sequel. Granted, that last sequel was one of the worst movies ever made and Batman Begins was pretty freakin' awesome. But I think that was a real exception to the rule.

Can't come up with a coming-of-age underdog story of your own? Why not remake The Karate Kid? Can't come up with a compelling story continuing the saga of Peter Parker as he ventures further into adulthood? Why not start the whole thing over? Recast all the main roles and put him back in high school. That's an awesome idea.

I get that after so many years of writing stories, eventually you're gonna come back around to something that's already been told. But give it some time to be immortalized in the halls of pop culture. Surely there are some board games that haven't had movies made about them. Where's the Candy Land feature film? Chutes and Ladders? Connect Four?

The Student Loans

I'm pretty sure I always figured I would go to college. Even when I was a kid, I just thought it would be the next step after high school. So when the guidance counselors in high school would start talking about choosing a college, I thought it was pretty much a no-brainer. Since I already planned to continue my education after the public school system was done with me, I didn't really pay much attention when they started quoting statistics about how much more a college grad would make in his or her lifetime than someone who just stopped after high school. But I remember it being a significant amount of money. It was significant enough to convince some of the kids in my class to go ahead and give it the old college try. I think I'm still waiting for that significant difference in income to kick in.

I really couldn't afford college. So I went the same route that so many young people go in this great country of ours. I applied for student loans. And I received a generous amount of money that I would eventually need to pay back. For a period of time, back when I was working a decently paying job and living in Roanoke, I was, in fact, making regular payments on those student loans. And then I decided to go to seminary. The magic word there was deferment. Deferment is a wonderful thing that says you don't have to make those payments because you're still a student.

I'm not a student anymore. And yesterday I discovered that my good friends, the Lenders, are expecting me to pay back those loans. I discovered this by chance, because I happened to go back into a currently unused e-mail account and happened to see that they had sent a notice letting me know that my payment is due. Not only that, they've been sending notices for about two months. So, do the math. That means I'm two months behind on making payments that I can't afford in the first place.

I did go to the website and, first of all, changed my e-mail address. Now their notices will come to the e-mail address that I actually look at on a regular basis. Next, I took a look at how much I owe in total. That total would be a shock to the system had I not over-estimated what I owed several years ago. Still, $41,000 is a significant amount of money. If you're keeping up with my personal and professional life, that's more money than I'll make in the next 2 years. Before taxes.

So I found another magic word on their website: forbearance. I applied for this forbearance. There's no guarantee that forbearance will be granted, but I think I have a pretty good chance of getting it. See, I still work two jobs and just barely make ends meet. So adding a regular $250 payment each month to my already tight budget will be an impossible thing.

I won't hear back about the forbearance for a few days. In the meantime, I'm thinking of my options, just in case they decide I'm not worthy of this forbearance...

I could rob a bank. I work for a bank. I think I'm pretty decent when it comes to strategy. Maybe it's a feasible option.

I could start selling drugs. I hear that dealers can make a killing in that career path. Though they could also get killed in the process.

I could fake my death and collect the insurance money. Though, if I faked my death, I guess I would really need that money, 'cause the lenders wouldn't be coming after me anymore. I'd be "dead."

I'm looking at these and thinking that forbearance is my best option for the time being. You know, other than finding a new job that pays more than what I make now. Maybe some place that likes to at least pretend that having a bachelor's degree counts for something.

Memo to Motorists

Specifically, this is a memo to motorists who insist upon driving in front of me while I'm delivering pizza.

1. Please do not drive 15 miles under the speed limit.
I realize that this is North Carolina. I realize that there is a good chance that you reached into a box of Cracker Jacks one day and just happened to pull out your driver's license. Maybe it was given to you in exchange for serving dinner at a soup kitchen once. Whatever the case, I get that you may not have actually received any real training on what driving is supposed to be like or how to understand those funny signs over on the right side of the road. See, periodically you'll come across these posted numbers that have the words "Speed Limit" printed above them. Sometimes the numbers say 25, sometimes 35. On those big, main roads, however, they'll often read 45 or 55. Now, I know, that's when things can get a little out of hand for you, and you'll be tempted to maintain that 30 miles an hour that you're so comfortable with. Maybe you're afraid that a police officer is just sitting on the shoulder up ahead and you don't want to get caught speeding. But if you're doing that posted number, there's a good chance they're not going to come after you. I'd be willing to bet, they've got bigger fish to fry. Like the guy that doesn't have his headlights on when it's pouring down rain.

2. Turn your headlights on when it's pouring down rain.
That's not so much for the people driving in front of me as it is for the people coming from the opposite direction while I'm trying to make a left turn across a heavily trafficked roadway. It's just common courtesy, people.

3. If you're making a right turn and you have a green light, it's okay to go.
Example: I was sitting at an intersection waiting to make a left turn. On the other side of the road, two cars were waiting to make right hand turns. I did not have an arrow giving me the right of way. Therefore, I yielded to the cars who just kept sitting there. Eventually they realized that they had the right of way, but by then my light was turning yellow. Yes, I went on through, and yes, I know that I could have technically received a ticket for that. But I was fueled with a slight case of road rage at that moment and I desperately wanted to floor it so I could get past these people who had no idea what they were doing back at the intersection. I did pass them. Because it was a 55mph zone and they were doing roughly 35. Refer to number 1 above.

4. If you're gonna turn on red, wait until the way is clear, not until you "think you can make it."
I know that when you see my gaudy pizza delivery light sticking to the top of my car, you automatically believe that I no self-respect and therefore deserve none of your respect as a fellow driver on this road of life. But I'm here to tell you, that's not what that sign means. It's really just an advertisement. I'm delivering pizza and the guys that pay me to do that also pay me to get their name and phone number out there so that more people will think, "Hey, I want a pizza too!" So when you see me driving toward the intersection, knowing that I have the green light and knowing that I am absolutely going the speed limit (perhaps even 5 over), it is not an invitation for you to pull out in front of me because you think you can make it. As much fun as it may be for some people to slam on their brakes, it isn't the sort of activity that I like to brag about. Oh, and testing my seat belt, just to make sure it would secure me in case of a crash, also not my idea of a good time. It's also, how should I put this, impolite, to pull in front of someone and then drive 10 under the speed limit. So when I was riding your bumper for roughly the half mile you were in front of me, it was because I was angry. I'll admit, it confused me quite a bit when you honked your horn at me as we went our separate ways. Maybe you were mad at me for crawling up your tailpipe. But I was mad at you for cutting me off when I was clearly in the right. I'm pretty sure we're even.

Memo to Grocery Shoppers

1. Make a list!
You know, it's a lot easier to go shopping when you know what you're shopping for. I'm not aware of a major chain store that doesn't have a website these days. And I'm pretty sure they have a fairly exhaustive list of all the products they offer, especially if those products are on sale. When you go into a store and you aren't sure what you're there to get, it really annoys other shoppers to have to try to weave their way around you while you stand in the middle of the aisle staring at a wall of different kinds of bread. Pick one and move on!

2. If at all possible, leave the kids at home.
I like kids all right. They're fun. They make life interesting. They ask awesome questions and are surprisingly literal in the way they see the world. But the grocery store is not the place for them. And it really doesn't matter how old they are. I think your one or two-year-olds are okay just sitting in their basket seat. They can't dart around corners or pull things off the shelves while mom's back is turned. But the ones that can walk, whether they're 5, 15, or the sad 35-year-old bachelor that lives in his parents' basement, they just get in the way. They slow you down. They cause you to block an entire aisle because they will, inevitably, spread out. Yet they will somehow manage to clump together while spread out, making it impossible for other shoppers to walk either around or through them.

3. Try not to look exactly like your spouse.
I wish I had the camera in my phone ready as soon as I noticed this phenomenon. I've heard of it happening, but never experienced it as strongly as I did today. A man and a woman were holding hands in Target. They looked to be in their late 50s. They had the same slouched sort of walk. They were the same height (though they were slouched, so that may not be accurate). They had identical haircuts. The only noticeable differences were that she wore earrings and he had a slight gut. Yes, they were dressed alike too. To me it's just weird when spouses start looking alike. It's weirder when people start looking like their pets. I've seen that happen too, just not in the store.

Memo to self: Stop going grocery shopping on Saturdays!

Pandemic

There's a lot of talk right now about the possibility of the Swine Flu spreading across the globe and reaching pandemic proportions. So I got to thinking about the word pandemic.

It really doesn't sound like such a terrible word. Well, knowing exactly what it means, yeah, it's horrifying in a The Stand kinda way. But it sort of sounds like something that could easily be used in a Pizza Hut ad campaign.

For a limited time, buy a medium one-topping pan pizza and you can get a second one for just a buck! It's a PANDEMIC!

And in the commercial, you could show pepperonis on a map, popping up like those little red dots that show where disease has broken out, spreading across the country.

I should so go into advertising.