A Day in the Life of a Chair

Via

My life is not as easy as one would think. I'm sure most people look at me and assume I have it made. I spend most of the day just hanging out. Standing still. Not doing much at all. Thus is the life of an inanimate object.

We chairs are a proud furnishing. There are so many of us, and we're all so different. You may as well try and find two snowflakes with a similar design. Okay, that's a bit of an exaggeration. After all, my life is spent in a classroom with 22 others that are nearly identical to me. After a few years, however, it's expected that we've developed marks and blemishes that make us each distinctive.

Yes, I ended up in a classroom. As a young chair on the assembly line, I dreamed of becoming a throne, perhaps a comfy desk chair. But I was made too small. All chairs have the same basic design: four legs, a seat, a back. If we're lucky, we get arms, as well. I was not so lucky. My seat and back are hard plastic and my legs are metal. I was made for one thing, and one thing only. Children.

My day begins the same way every morning. I'm upside down, my seat resting upon a desk. By the way, you'd think that chairs and desks got along famously. Truth is, we never speak. Desks are pretty stuck up. They think they're so much better than chairs, just because they have storage capacity. If only they knew, I have a cousin with a book rack under his seat.

Anyway, I don't enjoy being upside down. But that's how I spend my nights. On the plus side, it's quiet, which is a far cry from what the days bring inside the classroom. The child assigned to me arrives and pulls me off the desk. And he's not exactly gentle about it. It's a good thing I'm extremely sturdy. If someone threw him around with the same brute force that he uses with me, his fragile legs would have broken dozens of times. But I don't complain. I know that's just how these children are.

It isn't long after he arrives that he sits in me. I do have a small bit of job satisfaction. I like knowing that I can provide a place for someone to sit from time to time. And, thankfully, the teacher in this classroom likes to keep her students active. So I get plenty of breaks throughout the day.

That's not to say it isn't tiring, holding up a child throughout the day. No one ever asks if my legs get tired. Not that I'd be able to take a seat myself. It would just be nice to have the offer made. The end of the day sees me thrown back onto the desk. Again, I'm placed upside down. Again, it's not a gentle movement.

Some days are better than others. God help me on Taco Tuesdays. The kid that's assigned to me this year does not digest his Mexican food in a pleasant manner. But I take that punishment without saying a thing. It's certainly less fun than the days when the teacher throws some kind of party for the students. I have to say, my best day, was when the children were allowed to make blanket forts. I was draped in a Star Wars blanket. For a moment, I felt just like that old throne I dreamed I'd be. The moment was gone all too quickly, but I'll cherish the memory for the rest of my life.

I realize that you people see us as things. We're property. But try to treat us with a little respect, huh? I mean, we do provide a service without complaining even a little bit. I know it's easy to take your frustrations out on us. I've heard horror stories about the way some guy named Bobby Knight has treated my kin. If I could move, I'd shudder just thinking about his actions. Please, be kind to your four-footed friends. If you're not, believe me, we have ways of getting you back. You may be leaning back ever so slightly and we may just decide to shift the center of gravity a little too much. Accidents happen, people. Accidents do happen.

Why Do We Cry?

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I spend a lot of time on the Facebook. Well, more than I used to. I don't consider it an unhealthy amount. But I also don't consider my caffeine intake an unhealthy amount, though I'm well aware of my severe addiction to the stuff. But I noticed a status update from the Most Awesome Person I Know.

Apparently she had decided to watch a known tearjerker. If you're unfamiliar with the tearjerker, this is a movie or program which is likely to make the viewer cry, possibly in an uncontrollable fashion. The movie in question was P.S. I Love You. This is a film that I have, in fact, seen before. I did not cry.

But it apparently has that affect on some people, including my friend. And she couldn't help wondering why she would put herself through that. Why would she watch a movie that she knows will make her cry every time she watches it? Does she enjoy crying?

Does anybody really enjoy crying? Think about what happens when a person cries. Tears stream from the eyes. This causes a difficulty in seeing. Once the tears stop, there's a certain feeling of dryness and itchiness in the eyes. Then there's the running of the nose. Breathing becomes impaired. And have you ever looked at yourself when you cry? Does a beautiful crier exist? If such a person is out there, I have never seen them.

So why do it? Why do people put themselves through the misery of watching something that will make them an emotional wreck? What good can come of it?

So here's a list of a few movies that one should avoid if you do not want to cry. If you're a glutton for punishment, watch away.

• Old Yeller
• Sophie's Choice
• Love Story
• Bambi
• Steel Magnolias
• A Walk to Remember
• My Girl
• The Lion King
• Terms of Endearment
• Batman & Robin

Okay, that last one isn't really a tearjerker. It's just a good idea to avoid it at all costs. Though, if you're a big Clooney fan, the movie may cause you to cry anyway. It's that bad.

Legends of Another Bank Teller

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Some time ago, I got a text message from the Most Awesome Person I Know asking for my opinion. She wanted to know if she had made a mistake after applying for a job as a teller at a bank. Needless to say, I was a bit taken aback.

We've been friends for some time. Most of that time, I was a bank teller myself. And she was my most frequent sounding board (other than this blog) for the frustrations I felt day in and day out as a teller. Did she learn nothing from my experience?

But I seriously considered her as a bank teller. Knowing her personality, I started to believe that she would be a lot better at the job than I was. My biggest issue with being a teller was the customer service portion of the thing.

I take that back. I was good with customer service. I could fake a smile with the best of them. Honestly, there were a handful of customers that I didn't have to fake the smile for. But it was a small handful. The rest of the time I faked it. Then I kicked my coin locker out of frustration because there was nothing I could do to affect the customers' stupidity. I'm sorry. That's the old me talking.

Anyway, I know that she is a much nicer person than I am. Or was. When I was a teller. So I told her as much. I told her that I didn't think it was a mistake to go for that kind of job. Because it's a job, which is something that's difficult to come by these days. It's the reason I stuck with it for as long as I did. So I told her it wasn't a mistake.

Selfishly, I'm hoping that I'll hear lots of insane stories about the array of customers that she will have to deal with. She's working at a different bank in a different part of Raleigh. That's a whole new demographic. It'll be a blog posting gold mine.

Granted, she has two of her own blogs. But those don't typically deal with hilariously frustrating stories about bank customers. I'm sure things could change and she could decide to write enthusiastically about the world of banking. But she's just not as sarcastic as I am. Which will also help her in the world of banking.

I'm What You'd Call An "Introvert"

Some time ago, the Most Awesome Person I Know posted an article she found titled, "The Top Ten Myths About Introverts." Anyone who knows me can probably easily tell that I'm an introvert. The most obvious sign is that I'm not much of a people person. I'm not, how you say, outgoing. Neither was my Dad. It's sort of a thing I inherited. Or maybe I learned it from him. I guess that depends where you stand on the whole nature/nurture battle.

Anyway, she found the article over at CarlKingCreative. I guess she thought the article reminded her of me. Though I can't imagine why. If you know me... I mean, really, really know me, you might agree with her. If you disagree, please tell me why. I'd be curious to know why.

Top Ten Myths About Introverts

Myth #1 – Introverts don’t like to talk. This is not true. Introverts just don’t talk unless they have something to say. They hate small talk. Get an introvert talking about something they are interested in, and they won’t shut up for days.

Myth #2 – Introverts are shy. Shyness has nothing to do with being an Introvert. Introverts are not necessarily afraid of people. What they need is a reason to interact. They don’t interact for the sake of interacting. If you want to talk to an Introvert, just start talking. Don’t worry about being polite.

Myth #3 – Introverts are rude. Introverts often don’t see a reason for beating around the bush with social pleasantries. They want everyone to just be real and honest. Unfortunately, this is not acceptable in most settings, so Introverts can feel a lot of pressure to fit in, which they find exhausting.

Myth #4 – Introverts don’t like people. On the contrary, Introverts intensely value the few friends they have. They can count their close friends on one hand. If you are lucky enough for an introvert to consider you a friend, you probably have a loyal ally for life. Once you have earned their respect as being a person of substance, you’re in.

Myth #5 – Introverts don’t like to go out in public. Nonsense. Introverts just don’t like to go out in public FOR AS LONG. They also like to avoid the complications that are involved in public activities. They take in data and experiences very quickly, and as a result, don’t need to be there for long to “get it.” They’re ready to go home, recharge, and process it all. In fact, recharging is absolutely crucial for Introverts.

Myth #6 – Introverts always want to be alone. Introverts are perfectly comfortable with their own thoughts. They think a lot. They daydream. They like to have problems to work on, puzzles to solve. But they can also get incredibly lonely if they don’t have anyone to share their discoveries with. They crave an authentic and sincere connection with ONE PERSON at a time.

Myth #7 – Introverts are weird. Introverts are often individualists. They don’t follow the crowd. They’d prefer to be valued for their novel ways of living. They think for themselves and because of that, they often challenge the norm. They don’t make most decisions based on what is popular or trendy.

Myth #8 – Introverts are aloof nerds. Introverts are people who primarily look inward, paying close attention to their thoughts and emotions. It’s not that they are incapable of paying attention to what is going on around them, it’s just that their inner world is much more stimulating and rewarding to them.

Myth #9 – Introverts don’t know how to relax and have fun. Introverts typically relax at home or in nature, not in busy public places. Introverts are not thrill seekers and adrenaline junkies. If there is too much talking and noise going on, they shut down. Their brains are too sensitive to the neurotransmitter called Dopamine. Introverts and Extroverts have different dominant neuro-pathways. Just look it up.

Myth #10 – Introverts can fix themselves and become Extroverts. Introverts cannot “fix themselves” and deserve respect for their natural temperament and contributions to the human race.
In fact, one study (Silverman, 1986) showed that the percentage of Introverts increases with IQ.

Justin Potato Head

I am posting this video on behalf of my dear friend Aaron who currently does not have access to the internet. Hope you will find this delightful video of my three year old entertaining.

The Transition

Moving back to my hometown of Roanoke, Virginia has been a little bit harder than I imagined it would be. I mean, I grew up here. This is where I went to school. Where I grew up in church. Yet, coming back here is like moving to an entirely different world than the one I've grown so used to.

Before I moved to Wake Forest, I dreaded it. Sure, there was a part of me that was excited about starting a new phase of my life, but I was basically terrified. This seems to be a running theme throughout my blog posts this week. But it's what I'm feeling these days, I promise I'll move on to more optimistic posts soon.

Anyway, I adjusted. Wake Forest became my home. I'm sure it took a while. But eventually it's where I fit. I say that because, looking back, I can't remember feeling about Wake Forest the way I do about Roanoke today.

In the few weeks since learning of my new position at the bank, I've been asked a hundred times if I'm excited to be moving back home. Of course, I've been telling people yes. Because that's what they want to hear, right? But is it really what I've been feeling?

Like with my initial move to Wake Forest, I suppose there is a certain element of excitement. There should always be some kind of excitement when faced with a truly unknown next step. That's part of the adventure of living. But honestly, I think I feel more afraid about moving back here than I did about moving to North Carolina four years ago.

But I don't want to focus on being afraid. If I do that, I'll look for my first escape back to North Carolina, and that could cause me to miss out on something incredible. I don't know what that incredible something could be, but I hope it's something incredible. Wow, that was redundant.

Instead, let's focus on what I'm coming home to. Obviously, my family is here. Now, there are pros and cons to that aspect of coming home. I won't list those here. It's probably bad enough that I'll have family members reading this seeing that there aren't just pros to being near family. Look, we all have family and it can be a wonderful thing. But if you don't have a list of cons where blood is concerned, you're kidding yourselves. Love you folks, really do, but like I said... there's good and there's bad.

Moving on. There's a new job. Again, pros and cons that I won't go into here. There's the excitement of something new and fresh and the potential for a higher income. But there's the fear of failure. I close my eyes at night and then I hear the voices. Not literally, but you know the ones I'm talking about. The ones that whisper the "what if's" into my not-quite-sleeping brain. What if I'm not good enough? What if I can't adjust to the new job? What if I go through all the proper training (all 3 months of it) and still can't get the job done? How do I turn those questions off?

But then there are things that Roanoke has that Raleigh doesn't have. There's a big fluorescent star on a mountain in the middle of the city. I mean, who doesn't get turned on by a hundred foot tall neon star? There's Macado's, my favorite restaurant of all time. Don't ask me why, because I really don't have an answer. It's a sandwich place, and sandwich places should really be a dime a dozen. But to me, Macado's is kind of special. Raleigh didn't have anything close.

Roanoke also has a closer proximity to my college friends. These are the people that I know will be my friends my entire life. They're the ones that I can share anything with and could go years without seeing, but still be able to pick up right where we left off as if we didn't miss a day together. Now I won't have to go years without seeing a lot of them, because I'm a lot closer to them.

But I will miss things in Raleigh. I'll miss the Cheesecake Factory. Ironically, the only time I ever had a real meal at the Cheesecake Factory was when I was visiting the Charlatan back when he lived in Charlotte. But I did stop by the one in Raleigh a few times and got a slice of cheesecake to go. Really, is that any more special than getting cheesecake anywhere else? Wait, let me answer that. Yes, it is more special.

Raleigh also had a P.F. Chang's, which was phenomenal. If I'd had the chance to actually ask Spider-Girl out on a real date, I probably would have taken her there. Assuming she liked Chinese food. Place was phenomenal. I already said that, didn't I? Moving on...

Raleigh didn't just have great restaurants (although the Moonlight Pizza had some pretty amazing pizza), it had people that I'll miss, and already miss. I miss my co-workers, believe it or not. I wrote a lot of Legends of the Bank Teller, and not all of them were positive legends. But when it comes right down to it, I enjoyed working with those guys. I know I just said this the other day, but it's worth saying again. For every time I got frustrated over a customer, causing me to kick my coin locker, there were just as many times when I was able to laugh, or to make someone else laugh. Made it all worth it.

And, of course, there's the Most Awesome Person I Know and her five kids. They were my family for four years, and as far as I'm concerned, they still are. I'm sorry that I didn't see them in recent months as much as I used to. But as it usually does, life got busy and hectic for each of us. Luckily there's the magic of cell phones and Facebook and Skype to help with the whole "keeping in touch" thing.

Maybe it sounds crazy, but there's Spider-Girl too. I know nothing happened between us, and now there's about a 99.9% chance that nothing ever will. But the possibility once existed. That's one of the things I'll miss about Raleigh. I'll miss the opportunity that might have been.

But what's to come for me here in Roanoke? I honestly don't know. You might look back at my posts from the last few days and assume I've already decided to give up. There's a part of me that wants to give up. That's probably the easiest thing to do at this point. But I can't do that. I won't do that. If I give up now, how will I be able to look at myself in the mirror? How will I be able to respect myself? How will I ever expect anyone else to respect me?

No, the easy way isn't always the right way. I'm embracing this transition. This move is just the next step in becoming the person that I'm becoming.

And I Feel Fine

There's a lot of talk about the end of days being upon us. We're coming up on 2012, the year that the Mayan calendar comes to an end. There are some people out there who think that once December 21 hits that year, our number is pretty much up. Personally, I think 12/21/2012 is just going to be another first day of winter and the world's just gonna keep on spinnin'. If you want to go back and read my historically accurate account of how the Mayan calendar came to be, click here. It's a pretty decent read if I do say so myself.

But lets leave the Mayan folks out of this for now. I mean, that's a whole year and a half away before we wake up and discover that the world's still here. We have more pressing matters that are pressing upon us. There are some who believe that we don't have 'til next December. There are those who believe we only have until next week.

Recently, driving around town, I've noticed a car that advertises a website: wecanknow.com. But the ad on the car isn't as vague as just throwing a web address at you and then driving away. There's a picture of a day planner opened to May 21, 2011, with the date circled in red. The car wants you to know that the guy driving it believes that Jesus is coming back on that very day.

Honestly, I find this a little intriguing. I don't believe it as fact, but I'm intrigued just the same. I was raised believing that no one would know the time of Christ's return. It's what I was taught in my 5th grade Sunday School class. It's what I was taught in college when I took a course that spent an entire semester studying the book of Revelation. It's what I learned from reading 1 Thesselonians 5:2, "For you know very well that the day of the Lord will come like a thief in the night." It's what I've believed my entire life. And that really hasn't changed.

A few weeks ago, when I first saw the car, I misread it. I thought the date read as March 21. As I was following the car I couldn't help but think, "Man, they sure missed that one..." Mostly because at this point, it was already April. But then at a stop light I got a closer look. I realized the prediction was for May 21. That didn't really make me feel any better.

I mean, if they'd been right, and it had been March 21, then where was I? What'd I miss? For that matter, why were they still driving that car around since it was so outdated? But if they're right about May 21, that's kind of short notice, isn't it? You'd think if someone pinpointed the date of the second coming that it would be national news. But I was curious.

I didn't run right home and jump on their website, just to see what it was all about. In fact, I sort of forgot about it by the time I got home. Then I saw the car again a couple weeks later. At that point I decided I'd take a look. I didn't read everything in depth, but just took a quick glance at some of what this organization had to say.

The founders of the website follow the teachings of a guy named Harold Camping. Oddly enough, Mr. Camping predicted the rapture would occur back in September of 1994. Didn't happen. Kind of makes me question the validity of his current prediction.

I'm sure if I were read the website in depth and let the words reach a comprehensive level, I'd find some pretty compelling arguments. Anyone who knows enough about what they're talking about can make a compelling argument. My Dad was the kind of guy who loved to play devil's advocate in a Sunday School classroom. He would sit quietly for a while and listen while the other men would take one point of scripture and come to an agreement about what it meant. Then he would speak up and somehow convince them that it meant something completely different. After convincing a room full of grown men that he was right and they were wrong, he would turn to the leader and ask, "John, would you like me to tell them why I'm wrong?" John would just look at him and laugh, "I wish you would."

God has given us the ability to access His Word. We have the responsibility to read what scripture has to say and to interpret it the way the Holy Spirit would guide us. Maybe that's how Harold Camping feels he's been led in his interpretation of scripture that has led him to predict Christ's return not once, but twice. But, as with anyone who preaches the Word, it's important that the hearers take the time to comprehend what has been preached. It is vitally important for people to not just accept what is preached at face value.

This is how things were centuries ago, before the Bible was readily accessible to the average church goer. Back then, people were ignorant of what God's Word really had to say to them. They simply accepted the Latin words that their priests gave to them. It's this kind of behavior that led to the Crusades and to corruption in the medieval church.

I'm not saying that Camping is right or wrong. I assume we'll find out one way or the other next Saturday. Personally, I'm not gonna hold my breath. And whether Christ's return can be predicted or not, I don't think I'd want to know anyway. Another one of those things I've always believed is that, as a Christian, I should be prepared for Christ's return any day. I know I fail at that all the time. But the point I draw from that verse in 1 Thessalonians is that there's no way to know when His return will occur. It could be today; it could be a hundred years from now.

People have been predicting the end of days since before Christ's birth. I guess, for some reason, human beings are just obsessed with looking to the future. We can't seem to just be happy with where we are today.

I didn't intend to get preachy, and I hope you don't see it that way. And remember, I am a seminary drop out. But if you've read this far, I'm interested to know what you think. Do you think there's a chance Camping has it right? Is this the end of the world as we know it? Do you think the Mayans are right? Does it really matter to you when the end will come? Or are you more focused on where you are today?

The Big Boat in the Middle of the Desert

Imagine, for a moment, that you live in a world that has never seen rain. You're in a landlocked kind of place that isn't anywhere near a significant body of water. And then you hear about this farmer that's building a huge boat in the middle of the desert. How would you respond to something like that? I mean, at this point in time, there's not a whole lot to do. You don't just plop down on your sofa and turn on the TV for entertainment. So there's a good chance you'd be willing to take a trip out to see Noah and his gigantic boat.

Then again, it's not like these things are day trips back then. You don't load the family into the Swagger Wagon and hit the interstate for a pilgrimmage to see the Ark. No, it would be a huge undertaking. But I guess a lot of society was still pretty nomadic. So people were probably passing through the Ark construction zone on a pretty regular basis.

So, knowing what you know about the world at large, wouldn't it be pretty easy to mock a guy like that? I mean, you're in the middle of the desert and you're building the largest boat ever made up until this point. I'm not much for confrontation, even if it involves making fun of a 600-year-old man. If it came down to a fight, I'd feel pretty confident that I could take him. But, even so, I'd probably snicker a little while I was looking at him hard at work, then I'd go away and joke about it behind his back.

But Noah had gotten a call from God and he decided to believe Him. God gave Noah a heads up, told him to build this ark, which, when you think about it, really isn't a boat. It's more like a big box that floats. But still, it can't float without a significant amount of water to pick it up, right? And being where he was, and in his situation, Noah was going on a lot of faith just putting this thing together.

I watched Evan Almighty over the weekend. I've seen it before, and I really think it's a decent story. Before I originally saw this movie, I didn't think I would like it. I couldn't wrap my mind around the point of the whole thing. I mean, after the Noah incident, God promised that He wouldn't flood the earth again. So what would be the point of Evan building an ark? Turns out the world didn't flood this time. Just the valley in which Evan and his family lived.

To me, the movie wasn't about how big or small the actual flood was going to be. It was about Evan's faith and his struggle to balance his life plans with God's plans for his life. God, played by Morgan Freeman, even laughs at Evan (Steve Carell) when he starts talking about his own plans. God's plans supercede our own, because they're always a lot better for us than any plans we could possibly come up with for ourselves. Throughout the film, Evan has to deal with doubts from himself, from his colleagues, and even his own family. Eventually, however, he gives himself over to God's will and stops worrying about his own plans.

That must be similar to what Noah went through. Sure, it was glamourized a lot for Hollywood standards, but Noah had to have dealt with a certain amount of disbelief from his friends, family, and neighbors. And it would be difficult to believe if someone told me that he didn't doubt the command to build the ark himself.

There's a line from an episode of House, where the amazingly cynical main character says, "You talk to God, you're religious. God talks to you, you're psychotic." How many of us take on that point of view? It's one thing for that character, who is written as an atheist, to make a statement like that. Though he was probably saying it ironically. But even people who call themselves Christians probably believe this, more often than not. Sure, a good Christian will probably say that they believe God still talks to people, and that people should do what God tells them to do. But what about when it really comes down to believing that God is speaking to them or to someone close to them?

What if your spouse came to you and told you that they believed God was leading them to pick up and move the family to South America to do mission work? Would you automatically go on the defensive, relying only on your human frailty to make sense of the situation? Or would you hit your knees with your spouse? I have a feeling that God wouldn't call one of you without intending to get both of you on board.

What if your son or daughter came to you saying they were going to quit their successful career to enter ministry somewhere, because that's where they felt God was leading them? Would you support that decision? Or would you cast doubt on their decision?

I know these things are different from a guy in the desert building an ark and waiting for rain. But the principle is kind of the same. When someone truly feels like God is speaking to them and leading them down a certain path, do we think of them as faithful? Or do we think of them as crazy?

Laundry Day

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Monday I was sick. I'll spare you the details. But let's just say that I wasn't just a little sick. It was bad enough to keep me from going to work. And I say it like that because I don't have any more sick leave until the new year. If I had sick leave left over, I'm sure I'd find a hangnail reason enough to not go to work. But, as it was, I was sick, I missed work, and I couldn't get paid for it.

Anyway, being sick kind of destroyed my plans. I was at that point in my clothing cycle where the majority of my clothes were in the hamper. Therefore, I did as I normally do when laundry time comes around. I called the Most Awesome Person I Know to see if I could come hang out and use her laundry facilities. Initially, this was supposed to happen Sunday evening. But she was coming back into town with the kids and things were kind of crazy, so Sunday didn't happen. She suggested Monday night.

And then illness struck. It struck hard. I was up all night Sunday and made the decision to skip work early Monday morning. Believe me, I was doing everyone a favor by staying home. So this kind of ruined my option of doing laundry Monday night. This wouldn't have been so awful if I wasn't scheduled to work the next three evenings delivering pizza. So this left no more time to do the laundry that was so desperately needed.

The Most Awesome Person I Know then insisted that I allow her to pick up my dirty clothes and do my laundry herself. I was touched. But understand my position. No one but myself has done my laundry since I was a freshman in high school. It's been 15 years since even my own mother touched my dirty clothes. At first I told her she didn't need to do the laundry. I said that, later in the day if I was feeling better, I would drive to the laundromat to do it myself. My reasoning was that I didn't want to risk being contagious and passing something on to a home with five kids.

Still, she insisted. Finally, I relented. She kind of made it sound like it would hurt her feelings if I didn't let her do my laundry. Well, I certainly didn't want to offend anyone. So she dropped by, sent up one of the kids to grab my oversized hamper, and then left to do the work. A few hours later, the same kid knocked on my door and delivered my freshly laundered clothing, smelling clean and nicely folded.

Not a bad deal if you ask me. The laundry gets sent out and comes back clean later that day. I like it. So I once again find myself thanking the Most Awesome Person I Know for going above and beyond the call of typical friendship. I mean, I really can't think of anyone else who'd be willing to do my laundry just because I was too ill to do it myself.

Three Wishes

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I make it a habit to text The Most Awesome Person I Know when I'm leaving work in the evenings. My thinking here is that there's at least one person in the world who knows that I've taken my life into my own hands by traveling on the road in Raleigh, side by side with some of the most dangerous drivers on the planet: those licensed by the North Carolina DMV. Typically I'll just send a message saying I'm heading home or heading to the second job.

Thursday was a typical evening and I was leaving the bank, on my way to deliver some pizza for a little while. The Most Awesome Person I Know proceeded to reply to my typical text by asking if I had been home yet. This I found to be a little confusing. On nights that I deliver the pizza I never have time to stop at home first. Especially not within fifteen minutes of closing the bank. Reminder: it takes me a good 45 minutes to get home from work, even under the best of circumstances. So I took the question and responded with a no, and a reminder that I always go to job two directly from job one.

I worked and then I headed home. When I got to my apartment I found a few surprises on my decorated door. Remember how I said my door would be interactive, giving people a chance to share their Christmas wishes? Well, the Most Awesome Person I Know and her three sons had stopped by at some point during that day and left their wishes on the door. Seeing that kind of made my week.

One of the boys wished that I would get a puppy. One wished that I would find true love. One wished that I would come and hang out more often. The puppy I can't do right now. I'd be arrested for neglect or something, knowing how long I'm away from my apartment during the day. As far as true love goes, well, the jury's still out on whether I even believe such a creature exists. Hanging out more often? I think I can do that.

I've been getting more hours lately on the second job. I can't complain about that, I need the money. But it has cut into my hanging out/TV viewing time with these friends. Part of my reasoning, subconsciously, could also be the fact that the Hamilton Hideaway isn't quite as close as the Greene House was. I know that last part is a lousy excuse, subconscious or not. So to the Most Awesome Person I Know and her kids, I promise I'll do better.

Monsoon

I noticed this morning that the local meteorologists were calling for some scattered storms today. It was a little cloudy, but storms? Doubtful.

The hours passed and the clouds rolled in and out of view. The sun even peaked out on occasion. Then suddenly, without warning, the rains arrived.

The rain may not have poured all over Raleigh at the same time, but in my bank's parking lot, it appeared as if monsoon season had started. Sheets of rain fell hard. Small rivers quickly formed and gathered in small ponds in several sections of the asphalt.

More often than not, I stare out the drive through window wishing I was outside. Today was not one of those days. At least, not during the twenty minutes of nonstop rain. Funny enough, the "monsoon" was really nothing of the kind. There was a lot of wind and rain for a short amount of time. And then it was over.

By the time we closed the bank, the parking lot was dry once more. As quickly and mysteriously as the storm came into our lives, it was gone. They're calling for more rain as the week progresses. I'll believe it when I see it.

The Social Network

Thursday I got a phone call from the Most Awesome Person I Know. At first I thought this was odd, because usually she just texts unless something is wrong. Turns out nothing was wrong. She was just inviting me along to a free movie on Saturday.

A little background: the Most Awesome Person I Know has recently taken on the role of "Mystery Shopper." She's one of those people who goes around to assigned stores, makes particular purchases, writes reports about her experiences, and then gets paid for doing it. Her assignment for Saturday was to go and see The Social Network while keeping an accurate count of how many people were in the theater with her. The deal was that she was only required to view the movie once, but she had to get a head count for four consecutive showings.

So I was invited to tag along on one of these viewings, and I'm glad that I was. I had seen a few trailers for the movie and was interested in seeing it. After all, I think anyone who has a Facebook account would be at least somewhat interested in seeing the origin story. Unless you've been living under a rock, you're aware that Facebook has completely revolutionized the way that people keep in touch and make friends on a day-to-day basis.

The story follows Mark Zuckerburg from his less-than-humble beginnings as a Harvard undergrad who had just been dumped by his Boston University girlfriend. In a slightly drunken rage, he begins to rant and ramble about her, and women in general, on his blog. During a night of hacking and programming, he creates a website dubbed Facemash, on which people could compare girls from the various Harvard dorm face books, determining who was more attractive. Of course it's something that gets him into trouble.

Enter the Winklevoss twins. They read the article in the school paper about Zuckerburg's exploits and decide that he's the kind of brilliant mind they need to program the website that they've come up with. Their idea is to build a social network, similar to MySpace, but exclusive to Harvard students. Zuckerburg tells them that he's in, but instead goes to his best friend Eduardo, to pitch an idea that stands on the shoulders of the Winklevoss' idea. This is the idea that would lead him to The Facebook.

The rest of the film explores what happens when an idea is turned into reality and becomes so enormous that it cannot be controlled. It's a story of a rise to power, a few acts of betrayal, and some pretty intense scheming. Zuckerburg is portrayed as a fairly unlikable kind of guy. And he pretty much screws over his best friend. But I have to wonder, is that how it all really went down in real life?

Obviously there were lawsuits for control of Facebook and for whose idea it really was. But was it all really as cut and dry as Zuckerburg stealing and improving upon one idea and then selling out his best friend who had originally financed the genesis of the website that would go on to change the world? And what does the real Mark Zuckerburg have to say about the movie? Or the book upon which the movie is based? How much of his life was fictionalized for the purposes of telling a story?

Whatever the case may be, I enjoyed the movie. It was very entertaining. And it was an interesting lesson in pseudo-history. I told the Most Awesome Person I Know that if she ever had to do any more of these movie assignments and needs someone to go along with, I'm more than willing to volunteer. I'll go see anything for free, even if the trailer looks like the movie will be a bomb. Also, if she is ever tasked with testing the latest roller coasters at Kings Dominion, I'll take one for the team.

We Hold These Truths

Today was a pretty slow day, event wise, so I was looking for things to write about. Nicole sent me an e-mail that I'll repost here. Along with that, I'm posting another e-mail that my assistant manager sent to me a couple months ago. Enjoy.

25 TRUTHS OF LIFE 

1. If you're too open-minded, your brains will fall out. 
2. Don't worry about what people think, they don't do it very often. 
3. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car. 
4. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity. 
5. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before. 
6. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance. 
7. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious. 
8. It is easier to get forgiveness than permission. 
9. For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program. 
10. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip. 
11. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks. 
12. A conscience is what hurts when all of your other parts feel so good. 
13. Eat well, stay fit, die anyway. 
14. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it! 
15. No man has ever been shot while doing the dishes. 
16. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand. 
17. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places. 
18. Opportunities always look bigger going than coming. 
19. Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it. 
20. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on. 
21. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again. 
22. By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends. 
23. Thou shall not weigh more than thy refrigerator. 
24. Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world. 
25. It ain't the jeans that make your butt look fat.

And from the other list...

UNIVERSAL TRUTHS

1. I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.

2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.

3. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.

4. There is great need for a sarcasm font.

5. How the heck are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

6. Was learning cursive really necessary?

7. Map Quest really needs to start their directions on #5. I'm pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.

8. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.

9. I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.

10. Bad decisions make good stories.

11. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.

12. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray? I don't want to have to restart my collection...again.

13. I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page research paper that I swear I did not make any changes to.

14. "Do not machine wash or tumble dry" means I will never wash this - ever.

15. I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello? Crap!), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voicemail. What did you do after I didn't answer? Drop the phone and run away?

16. I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.

17. I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.

18. I think the freezer deserves a light as well.

19. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lite than K.

20. I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option.

21. Sometimes, I'll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and suddenly realize I had no idea what the heck was going on when I first saw it.

22. I would rather try to carry 10 plastic grocery bags in each hand than take 2 trips to bring my groceries in.

23. The only time I look forward to a red light is when I'm trying to finish a text.

24. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.

25. How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear or understand a word they said?

26. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers and sisters!

27. Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.

28. There's no worse feeling than that millisecond you're sure you are going to die after leaning your chair back a little too far.

29. Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.

30. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I'd bet my behind everyone can find and push the snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time!

Ode to the Girl in the White SUV

Each morning when I get up
I struggle just to sit up


I think about the job I do
and wish that I could say, "I'm through!"


For months and months I've felt depressed.
At work I often feel oppressed.


But lately something's changed my mind;
lately someone's caught my eye.


She drives a large white SUV.
This girl has grabbed my heart, you see.


My knees grow weak, my heartbeat races;
I turn to see the others' faces.


They laugh and think that I'm obsessed.
My heart may jump out of my chest.


I stumble for the proper words
Something that doesn't sound too absurd.


Simply, I greet her, and run her transaction,
But wish I could take some gutsier action.


I'm sure that she never remembers my name,
A poor guy like me that just has no game.


But each time she comes with some business to do
It makes my day better, like things are brand new.


She gets her receipt and gives me a smile.
I wish I could ask her to wait just a while.


I'd like to share coffee or maybe a meal;
Maybe a movie, it's not a big deal.


But she drives on away in her big SUV.
I'm left with my thoughts, alone. Only me.


But my day just got better, or that's how it seems.
'Cause I got to talk to the girl of my dreams.


She didn't say much, but made an impression,
Enough to help save me from workplace depression.


And maybe tomorrow she'll come back my way
And I'll have the courage to finally say,


"I want to go out with you and kiss you good night,
Or we could just go make out, would that be all right?"


Until then I'll be left alone with my thoughts.
I'll think and I'll plan and I'll scheme and I'll plot.


I'll get her to notice me, someday, somehow.
Just sit back and watch, this is my vow.

BTW... I'm really not that good a poet. This was pretty much just for fun. Good night children.

How to Avoid Annoying Single People on Valentine's Day

Tomorrow is Valentine's Day. It's that one day out of the year that couples seem to make it known to the world that they're in a relationship. It's the one day that single people are reminded in bold italics that they are SINGLE. But, to those of you who are part of a couple, you don't need to pity those who will spend Valentine's Day alone. All we ask is that you not annoy us with your coupleness.

I know, you don't even realize you're doing it, especially if you're in that lovey-dovey stage of the relationship. But in case you were wondering, I've compiled a list of things that you can do to avoid invoking the single community's gag reflex.

1. Keep the PDA to a minimum
For those of you who are unaware, PDA refers to Public Displays of Affection, not the hand held electronic device that keeps important people up to speed on their day-to-day operations. These Public Displays of Affection include but are not limited to kissing, prolonged hugging, prolonged side hugs, playful shoving, and to a lesser extent, hand holding. Also, if you're in the 3rd grade, please refrain from too much hitting.

2. Be aware of your eye contact
I know that you like to look into each others' eyes. Yeah, they're beautiful, aren't they? But please know that there are other people standing around. And they're watching you as you watch each other. And while they may not say anything out loud about your incessant staring, they're secretly mocking you in their minds. Trust me, it's true.

3. Refrain from too many pet names
I think that pet names can be sweet. It's nice for someone to occasionally call you "honey" or "sweetheart" or "sport". It's nice to have that sense of familiarity every now and then. But all good things must come in moderation. We don't need to hear your made up names that are really all words that have no true meaning in English or any other language. Schmoopy? I mean really, where did that even come from?

4. Don't one up yourself or anyone else
It's not possible to keep it up year after year. Eventually you're going to run out of great ideas. Once you've hired the Good Year Blimp to proclaim your love while you're ice skating at the Rockefeller Center with rose petals lining the rink, you've pretty much hit the top. Just try to keep it low key, 'cause the people at the basketball game don't really care about seeing you and your significant other on the Jumbotron. They want to see the replay of that awesome slam dunk.

5. Stop involving us in your romantic schemes
If you can't pull it off by yourself, then it's too elaborate. I really don't want to help you hide your little notes or your clues to the next clues that will eventually lead to a huge teddy bear holding a Russell Stover sampler. Also, I don't want to give you any ideas. If my ideas were really all that great, wouldn't I be using them to land my own special someone on Valentine's Day?

6. Quit pretending like Valentine's Day is so special
If you love the person that you're with, let them know it every day. Don't hold out until February 14th. I'm sure there's a deep meaning behind what makes St. Valentine's Day such a special day for loved ones. But in today's society, it's become the day when greeting card companies and lingerie designers sit back and collect their huge bonus checks. And that's because so many people just forget to show their love throughout the other 364 days in the year.

7. Go easy on the flowers
I know a lot of the time, you go online and pick out a bouquet that looks pretty. But looks can be deceiving. Not all flowers that are pleasant to look at are all that pleasant to smell. Flowers are dying anyway, so eventually, even the good ones will start smelling bad. Also, a side note, the makers of allergy medications make billions of dollars a year for a reason. I'm just sayin'. 

I'm sure there are other annoyances that I haven't thought of. These are just the ones that immediately come to mind. And before you label me a mean, bitter old man, just remember that I'm providing this as a public service to you and yours. Because there are a lot of single people like me who see the 14th day of February approaching with hardened hearts. We only grow more cynical and our sarcasm knows no bounds. So if you can avoid annoying us, then we can avoid sending you judgmental glares and hurtful remarks.

Why Rice Krispies Treats Are the Perfect Snack

Rice Krispies treats. There's a good chance you're drooling right now just thinking of them. Be honest if you are. Just try to keep it off the keyboard. Salivation really isn't good for the hardware.

The Rice Krispies treat is an easy thing to make. You take some Rice Krispies (and it's gotta be the Kellogg's brand, not the generic stuff). Then you get some marshmallows. And then you add some butter. Okay, so I'm not exactly sure how you make them. But I'm sure there are recipes on the internet that can be easily found. Google it and let me know.

They taste pretty good though. It's the meshing of those flavors that make the treats so special. I prefer the homemade version as opposed to the store bought kind.

When we were kids, whenever we'd go on a road trip, particularly to Nashville for family events, Dad would make Rice Krispies treats for us to snack on in the car. There were rare occasions when Dad didn't have time to make the snack treats and we had to go with store bought stuff. But the ones that Dad made were always better. I think he added more butter than the factories add.

I may have overstepped my bounds by calling Rice Krispies treats the perfect snack. After all, I haven't personally eaten one since before Dad passed away. But I have fond memories.

I also enjoy Bugles.

Flex the Golden Pipes

And since I posted those other clown commercials last week...