The True Story of a Persistent Spider

Over the last few weeks, I noticed something creepy on our front porch. The title should give it away, but I won't beat around the bush. It was a big honkin' spider web.

Now, we don't have much of a porch. It's not the kind of thing that you can set rocking chairs on and relax the day away on with a tall glass of iced tea. No, it's just a set of stairs that lead to a small landing where we enter our townhouse. Nothing fancy.

So there isn't a lot of space there. A couple weeks ago, I noticed that an unseen spider had built a massive web that stretched from just under our mailbox (which is located right next to the storm door) all the way to the end of the railing at the top of the stairs. As webs go, this must have taken a spider quite a bit of time to build.

The only logical thing to do was destroy it.

But, without getting rid of the spider that built the web, it was likely that a new web would take its place the next day. And the cycle of building and destroying went on for several days.

One evening, I got home after the sun had set. And there, in the center of another massive web, awaiting its insect prey, was our nocturnal friend. And the size of the spider made complete sense when considering the size of the web. It was huge.

I didn't want to mess with the thing while it was on its home turf. But I'm considering my options. I think there's only one course of action left to take.

Taking a Soak

You know how farms will often have a pond out in the field for the livestock to have easy access to water? I think I've heard people refer to these as cattle tanks. I could be wrong about that. I know very little about raising cattle. I don't know the different classifications. I'm sure there's some way to know the difference between a cow and a heifer, but I don't know it. Please excuse my ignorance when I refer to all of these four-legged critters as cows. The following is simply what happens when I let my mind wander.

Each day as I drive to and from work, I pass by several farms. One of these has a pond pretty close to the road. On occasion, I'll notice that there are several cows standing in the water, just chillin'. I imagine that it's sort of like when humans hang out in a hot tub or something. Except I imagine these cows as gossipy women. And one of them is the leader, doing all the talking, while the others just nod and mutter quiet agreements.

Cow 1: "Did you see the way Gertrude was shamelessly flirting with that bull across the road?"

Cow 2: "Mmmhmm."

Cow 1: "Someone should break it to her that he was castrated last week... shhh... here she comes. Hey, Gertrude! How you doin', girl? Did you cut dandelions out of your diet? It shows! Wanna join us for a soak? No? Okay, we'll see you later!"

Gertrude walks on, then Cow 1 lowers her voice as she turns back to her minions: "Heifer..."

Cow 2: "Mmmhmm."

I have no doubt that this is how it is on most farms. It seems to me, when I drive by these fields, the cattle are divided up into cliques. I know they don't actually talk, but it sure looks like they find a way to have their exclusive clubs.

Farmers, correct me if I'm wrong. Though I don't think I am.

Why I Should Never Be On The Price Is Right

I love The Price Is Right. I usually find myself watching it whenever I'm at home on a weekday. I watched it during the summer when I was home from school as a kid. I watched it during college when I had a break during classes. It's just a fun kind of show. And I always thought it would be great to get on The Price Is Right and drop a disk on the Plinko board. I know there's no actual skill in that part of the game, but it always looks like great fun.

Thanks to the crazy winter weather we've been having this season, I've had plenty of opportunities to sit at home, not collect a paycheck, and watch TPIR. In all that time of watching the show, I've come to a very important realization. I should never attempt to get my name called to "Come on down!"

But why wouldn't I want to hear my name called out? What's wrong with George saying my name? Why would it be so bad to meet Drew Carey? Honestly, those parts would be okay. I'd be fine with making my way to contestants' row and taking a stab at the price of some fabulous prize. And I'm sure I'd remain calm about the whole experience, as long as someone doesn't bid a dollar more than I did. That really irritates me when people do that.

The part that bothers me about the whole experience? The hugs.

Don't get me wrong. I like a hug. I wouldn't necessarily describe myself as a "hugger." It's not my first instinct in greeting people. Even friends and family, more often than not. I will hug when the occasion calls for it. I'm just not the kind of person who feels the occasion calls for it much of the time. I've got to really want to be hugged in order to offer one up.

But you don't get much of a choice on The Price Is Right. Out of nowhere, people are hugging strangers left and right. I'm just not sure I'd be comfortable with that. I'm good with a high five. I might even be able to get past a pat on the back. But the hugging? No. I don't know you random person from UCLA. Just because we're sitting in the same television studio in an audience of several hundred does not mean that we are familiar enough for you to invade my personal space. Back off!

Most of the time, people who know me will generally avoid the attempt to hug me. I don't know if it's some kind of vibe I just give off that says "don't touch." There's a part of me that wishes that was different. Because there are times when I think a hug is a great thing and has a really good feeling that accompanies it. So when I do offer a hug, it seems strange and catches people off guard. But that's just the way it is. I'm not a hugger. Guess I'll have to live with that.

The One I've Been Waiting For

Ever since moving back to Virginia, I've said that part of my reasoning was because I missed snow. I didn't just miss seeing a few flakes falling and accumulating an inch or two. I've missed big snow. I've missed the kind of snow that I used to see as a student at Bluefield College.

I know that my expectations are a little unrealistic, seeing as how I didn't move back to Bluefield. I moved to Roanoke. I moved to Radford. I moved to Blacksburg. These aren't places that see the kind of annual snowfall that "Virginia's Tallest Town" receives.

For the last week or so, meteorologists have been predicting a major snow storm for pretty much the entire Commonwealth of Virginia. I'm always hesitant to believe the forecasters when they say we can expect a lot of snow. I don't want to get my hopes up and then be disappointed. But when the forecast models claimed we could see anywhere from 6 to 18 inches of snow, I couldn't help but get a little excited.

In anticipation of the coming storm, the school systems in the area either canceled or released their students early yesterday. My school did the latter, letting the kids go 3 hours earlier than normal. I got home around 1pm and opened my blinds. I sat in my room and watched. It wasn't long until the snow began to fall. It fell hard and fast.

I don't remember ever seeing the snow pouring out of the sky so quickly before. Within the first hour, it appeared that there was already an inch on the ground. The roads were covered. From my window I could see a snow plow moving down the street and couldn't help but think how futile that act was at that point. After all, the snow was falling faster than any plow could clear the streets.

Early this morning, I went downstairs and looked out the front window. Our yard, the street, my car... all covered. Without actually measuring, I'd estimate a foot, maybe more, of snow covering the neighborhood. As I stared outside, I smiled and thought about how this is the kind of snow I've been looking for.

It's the kind of snow that makes the whole world quiet. You step outside and the sounds that you expect to hear just aren't there. Part of it is because people are generally smart enough not to try going out in the stuff. But part of it is also because all that snow just softens everything.

I'd love to tell you that I'll be using my snow day to go out and play like I did as a kid. I'd love to say I've got a big hill in mind that I'll drag a sled to so I can go down faster than I should. I'd love to say that I'll be building a snowman. But I don't have snow boots. I don't have a sled. I don't have

A Dater's Guide to Disney's Newest Princesses

Last April, I posted an in-depth analysis of Walt Disney's line up of princesses. The point of that post was to give my opinion about which of them would be datable if they happened to exist in real life. I'll admit, I was a little hard on some of them. For the most part, however, I feel that I was extremely fair in my conclusions. If you missed that post, please go back and check it out here. It's a little lengthy, but might be worth the time.

Since writing that post, Disney has officially added one more princess to the roster. The company has also released another movie which features two princesses. Although, not long into it, one of those princesses becomes a queen. But for the purposes of this blog, I'll be examining all three of these animated, fictional ladies.

Merida

I very briefly touched on the Brave Scottish princess in my previous post. I didn't go into any detail because she was not yet considered an official Disney Princess. Now she is. She's the first Pixar character to be considered a Disney Princess. Looking at Pixar's catalog of films, I'm pretty sure Merida is the only character that carries the title of princess. If you haven't seen Brave, you need to stop reading this right now and find it so you can watch it. It's kind of awesome. Merida is a young woman with untamed red hair and a fiery independent spirit. When it comes time for her to grow up and get married, she takes offense at the idea that she has no choice in who she'll end up with. While three of Scotland's finest vie for Merida's hand in marriage, the princess decides to take the competition into her own hands. She proves herself to be far superior to the men in archery. This causes a rift to form between herself and her mother which leads to all sorts of hijinks and adventures.

Should You Date Her?
It's a little troubling that she will follow mysterious floating blue lights through a dark, scary forest. But I say yes. Though she may not want to date you. As I mentioned above, she is fiercely independent. I think she likes it that way. During the time period in which she lives, independent women were probably frowned upon. Having the personality that she clearly has, she would put a great deal of distance between herself and any man who would attempt to control her. But why should you try and win her hand? Aside from the independence thing (which I consider a huge plus), Merida is someone who isn't afraid to carve her own path. She makes mistakes on her journey, but she admits her mistakes and will fight to correct those mistakes. She takes issue with the fact that her own mother wants to plan out her life for her, she gets angry with her mother, but is able to move past her anger to prove just how much she loves her. Also, she's wicked good with a bow and arrow.

Anna

Now we come to Disney's latest princess movie: Frozen. If you haven't seen it yet, be warned, spoilers abound. In the first act of the film, you feel pretty bad for Anna. Well, you feel bad for her sister as well, but we'll get to her later. As a young child, Anna is very close with her sister, Elsa. She gets injured in an accident involving Elsa's icy powers, which causes their parents to freak out and overreact. That overreaction leads to Elsa becoming a shut in and Anna losing her best friend and any knowledge of Elsa's capabilities. She grows up lonely due to the fact that the king and queen decided to close the gates. No one comes in and Anna, apparently, does not go out. Watching the movie, we can assume that Anna is an extrovert, which makes being locked inside the castle a horrible punishment since she can't interact with anyone else. This causes her to become overly excited and extremely naive about people once she finally has the opportunity to experience that interaction.

Should you date her?
I'm gonna go with no. Not that she's a bad person or anything. She's brave to go after her sister in the sudden bitter winter that develops after Elsa's powers are revealed. She fears that her sister is hurting and in danger, so she leaves the safety of her kingdom to find her. She also shows concern for her people and their well being as they attempt to survive the unseasonable cold weather. These are excellent qualities in a Disney princess. But remember how I said it was likely she'd be really naive after being shut into the palace for most of her life? She "falls in love" with the first handsome prince that she meets. Within hours of meeting this guy, she decides she loves him and is ready to marry him. Impulsivity isn't necessarily a bad thing. But the way she does it is a bit extreme. As it turns out, her handsome prince that she so dearly loves isn't exactly a stand up guy. In fact, he reveals himself to be the actual villain of the film, using Anna to take the throne. These are the kinds of things you discover about someone if you date them for more than a few hours. Beyond that, she seems kind of desperate. Again, I'm sure that's due to being a shut in for so long. After seeing independent princesses like Rapunzel and Merida, we take a step backward and find a princess whose only goal seems to be to land a man. If that's your thing, that's okay. It just doesn't do much for me.

Elsa

I'm not sure that we can officially call Elsa a princess. Once we hit act two of Frozen, Elsa makes it through the coronation ceremony and becomes a queen. She's only a princess for the first 15 minutes of the movie. So Disney may decide not to include her as one of their official princesses. But I'm still going to give my opinion here. This movie is (very) loosely based on Hans Christian Andersen's The Snow Queen. Elsa is that title character. I'm sorry to say, we really don't know much about Elsa beyond the fact that she has inexplicable powers. My chief complaint with Frozen is that Elsa's character just isn't developed enough. However, just as one can feel bad for Anna, we can feel bad for Elsa as well. Actually, I think I'd feel worse for Elsa. Her parents force her to shut herself off from her little sister and all other people. She's forced to repress her abilities out of a sense of guilt over an accident that occurred when she was just a child. Instead of learning to develop and control her abilities she holds them back. When she's eventually forced to mingle with the people, she loses control. Really, she never had control in the first place.

Should you date her?
I want so badly to say yes. First of all, she's a queen. That's gotta be worth more than the title of princess, right? Next, she has a phenomenal singing voice. Perhaps that's some bias on my part, because I might be a little in love with Idina Menzel. But that's neither here nor there. I said I want to say yes, but I just don't think I can. Like her sister, she's been a shut in most of her life. That's a sad life. I don't think she had as difficult a time with being alone as Anna did. I would argue that, unlike her sister, Elsa is more of an introvert. Maybe that's why I want to say yes to dating her. I can identify with her. I say that about her personality because she appears so uncomfortable around people after the coronation. Sure, part of that is fear of losing control of her powers, but I think a bigger part could be that she's just genuinely unsure of how to be with large crowds. She runs away to the mountains. She sings about a kingdom of isolation while honing her abilities. By the end of her big musical number, she seems to really be okay with being alone. When Anna comes to bring her back home, she insists that she's okay where she is and actually sounds happy about it. Let her be. You know what, I'm gonna say yes anyway. It would be a pretty big deal if a powerful woman like that let someone in. And let's talk about those powers for a minute. It seems to me that a lot of this frustration could have been avoided if the king and queen had just sent Elsa to Xavier's School for Gifted Youngsters. I mean, Disney owns Marvel now, right? I don't see why they couldn't have made that happen. Her powers are unexplained, just that she was born with them. To me, that says mutant. She could have become one of the X-Men. She could give Iceman a run for his money. After all, she not only creates ice and snow, she can bring it to life. And once she learned to fully control her abilities, she was able to make it disappear just as quickly. If her parents hadn't shut her off from the world, she could have learned much earlier in life how to control her power. Her people need never drink lukewarm soda again.

So those are Disney's latest princesses. How far off was I on their royal highnesses? Let me know your own thoughts in the comments.

How I Spend My Snow Day

I'm always of two minds when it comes to inclement weather. On the one hand, I love working within a school system that has a tendency to shut down whenever the sky threatens to release frozen precipitation. On the other hand, I don't get paid if there's no school. If I was the kind of person who looked at life through long-term lenses, I'd probably spend a lot of time worrying about what's gonna happen when my paycheck comes after missing a number of snow days. But that's not who I am. I've come to embrace the present and enjoy the day off for what it is. I'll deal with the ramifications of a decreased payday when it comes next month.

Today is one of those days. Floyd County (or FloCo, as my friend Sarah describes it) got dumped on yesterday evening. I received a picture message from one of the teachers with whom I work around 5:30. It was an image of her back deck. There was roughly half an inch of snow covering the grill. Just before 7, she sent another message saying it was really coming down hard. Big flakes. The accompanying picture showed about an inch on the grill. Not long after that, she claimed her family was going sledding.

I was a little jealous. See, while I work in FloCo, I live in Blacksburg. Blacksburg got nothing. The kids in my neighborhood? They're all at school today. They went on time. I slept late. If you look outside my door, you'd have to wonder why.

This is my Snow Day! Isn't it magical?!

I didn't actually sleep late. Technically. I got up at the same time I normally get up. But I didn't get out of bed. I got on the computer. I surfed Pinterest for a while. I looked at the Facebook and the Twitter. I basically just killed time. Then I realized I didn't have anything to do or anywhere to be. So I forced myself to lie back down and attempt to sleep some more. I rationalized it by telling myself that I spend a lot of nights just not getting enough sleep. I figured this was a good opportunity to catch up, if such a thing is possible.

If you count that as sleeping late, I slept late. I don't know how I would classify that. Woke up on time, took a very early nap before really starting the day?

Anyway, eventually I got up. My plan is to be at least somewhat productive today. No, I don't have to do anything for work. My paperwork is completely caught up, so I have no stress there. But I've been meaning to clean out my room since the Christmas break. I just never got around to it. I've got a stack of books that have nowhere to live, I should find a place to put them. I've got plenty of clothes in my closet that I never wear, I should decide what I don't use anymore and take it to Goodwill. I've got some books I'd like to read, I could make a dent in one or two of those. Or I could play video games.

I still like video games. I just never justify the time it takes to play them anymore. Maybe I should do that today. I have a perfectly good PlayStation sitting next to my TV that gets used mostly for Netflix and viewing Blurays. I'm sure I still have games lying around somewhere. But I'll probably have to clean my room to get to them. Maybe I could go out and catch an early movie. I'm sure there's something worth seeing at a matinee.

The world is my oyster, friends.

Finishing What I've Started

So, there are a number of things I've started that I've never continued or come close to finishing. At the moment, I can think of two.

First of all, my friend Erynn challenged me to write a story. Initially it was supposed to be a one post deal. But I realized it could turn into something a lot more involved. I wrote a part one. Several months later, I wrote a part two. I intended to continue it soon after, but as of now I still haven't gotten around to posting part three.

Next, there's the Lois Lane thing. A few months ago I set out to write my own take on Lois Lane, simply because I didn't like the way she's been handled in the comics in recent years. In thinking about how the stories would flow, I came up with a lengthy outline that could carry into 20 or more short stories. Thus far, I've written exactly one chapter.

I don't like feeling like I'm slacking on something I set out to do. I need to get on this stuff. For those of you who have enjoyed those stories or others that I haven't mentioned here, let me know about it. I'll be happy to get back to the fiction if that's what my readers want to see.

The Autumn Soulstice

The thoughts I'm sharing here are far overdue. The thing is, when I experienced these events, I was still in my funk where I just didn't feel like writing anything on this blog. That's different now. And since I did experience a lot of life during that month or so that I wasn't writing much, I have a lot to look back at and dip into.

Back story...

Several months ago, I found out that one of my Old Navy co-workers sings in an all female a capella group at Virginia Tech. That group is called Soulstice, and they're pretty much awesome. But I only found this out for myself about a month ago.

When I first discovered Cameron's extra-curricular activity, I tried to get her to sing at the store. She wouldn't budge on that one. But I finally got a chance to hear her and the rest of Soulstice at Virginia Tech's first ever Riff-Off. If you've seen the movie Pitch Perfect you'll know what I'm talking about.

I'll admit, the real life Riff-Off wasn't quite the same as the movie, but it was pretty cool nonetheless. Four of Tech's a capella groups competed in an effort to raise money for the Juvenile Diabetes Research Foundation. The audience voted for their favorites by donating dollars. In my opinion, the ladies of Soulstice were robbed, but they did get second place. All in all, it was a fun night.

More recently, I attended Soulstice's 15th anniversary concert "Soul'd Out". This time it was just the one group singing hits by Alicia Keys, Maroon 5, Christina Aguilera, and a lot more. And the biggest surprise was the encore at the end of the show. Once they completed all the songs listed in the program, the singers left the stage. Moments later, they reemerged and began with a chord familiar to anyone who's witnessed the end of Pitch Perfect. That's right, Soulstice performed the incredible mash-up that the fictional Barden Bellas performed in their competition at the end of the movie. And they nailed it.

Here's a taste of that concert with their performance of "Titanium". Enjoy!

Carbon Dioxide

Have you noticed that it's been getting cold lately? I'm sure you have noticed it since we're quickly approaching winter. Unless you're in the southern hemisphere, then you're heading into summer. But I'm pretty sure that all of my 23 readers live north of the equator.

Anyway, we've had a couple of decent cold spells in Blacksburg so far. So the roommates and I decided to turn on the heat for the first time a few weeks ago. That's when we noticed that we actually had no heat. At one point, our thermostat read 58 degrees. Not quite as cold as it had been outside, but not exactly comfortable when you step out of a hot shower.

It took a few days, but eventually a maintenance worker came to fix our problem. He left a note asking us to leave the covering off the furnace. Easy enough. He also suggested that we get CO2 detectors. That confused me a little.

I've heard of carbon monoxide detectors, but carbon dioxide? If we have a carbon dioxide problem in our home, shouldn't we just get a few extra house plants to clean up the air for us?

I guess it's possible that he meant carbon monoxide and got carried away when writing the CO. It's easy 2 throw in a 2 where one isn't needed. I do it sometimes, 2.

Thus far, we haven't installed any new detectors of any kind. But no one has come down with carbon monoxide poisoning, either. Yet.

Renewing the Lease

Do you know where you'll be a year from now? I do. I'll be in the same place I am now. That's because, after only three months of living in the townhouse, the property managers wanted a commitment from all four of us to renew our lease for another year.

I rarely plan that far ahead. How should I know where I'll be in the summer of 2014? What if I take a new job somewhere that's even farther from Blacksburg than where I currently work? What if my financial situation changes and I decide to buy my own home? What if I meet a beautiful woman and get married after a whirlwind romance? I know, I'm laughing at that one, too.

Point is, life has a tendency to take your plans and toss them aside. This is why I don't like to plan so far in advance. I really like my living situation. The rent is affordable and I consider my roommates to be friends. That's something I haven't been able to say since college.

But to be asked to commit to a second year in a place before you've even gone through half of your first lease period? Seems a little extreme.

Part of me gets it, though. Blacksburg is the epitome of the college town. That means the population is always in flux. I'm sure property owners like to know if they'll be receiving that regular income. And if people can't commit, they'll have plenty of time to find someone who will.

So I signed the lease. As did my three roommates. This will be the first time I've lived in one place for more than a year since I left North Carolina. I might start calling my nomadic behaviors into question.

Scavenging

Since moving to Blacksburg, I live only a little more than a stone's throw from the school where my church meets each Sunday. One day a couple months ago, when the weather was still warm in the early morning hours, I decided to walk to church, rather than drive.

The walk took me through a neighborhood or two, across the grounds of an elementary school, and over a couple soccer fields before I reached my destination. While I crossed the soccer fields, I noticed that there were a lot of things laying around.

I could only assume that there had been a number of soccer games played the previous day. Apparently, the players, parents and spectators decided to leave many of their belongings behind. Without even trying, I found a decent pair of sunglasses, a gently used pair of sneakers, a half eaten can of Pringles and a child's jacket.

And that was after just one weekend of games. Imagine what a scavenger could find if they walked across that field week after week. Who knows what kinds of treasures one could find?

Before you ask, no, I did not eat the remaining Pringles. They were pizza-flavored. Much as I love pizza, I think pizza-flavored potato chips are of the devil. And are gross.

#Hashtags

Remember when # meant pound or number? I do. Sometimes that symbol is still called the pound key on a phone. But ask most people what the # is and they'll call it a hashtag.

Where did it all begin? According to our friends at Wikipedia, the hashtag has been used for decades by the IT department to highlight special meaning. Then it grew in popularity with the general public as Twitter's popularity grew. The word hashtag was first used in a 2007 blog post by Stowe Boyd.

Now we're faced with the ability to use the hashtag on Facebook as well as Twitter. Is this a positive step? Does this make it easier to pay attention to our Facebook friends' status updates? Is it just Zuckerburg's way of convincing us that Twitter is obsolete?

A part of me understands the Twitter hashtag. It's a way to keep up with who in the entire Twittersphere is discussing the same subjects in 140 characters or less. Do the hashtags on Facebook function similarly? I don't actually know. I'm not familiar with the practice of hashtagging on Facebook yet. But shouldn't we limit hashtagging to one form of social media? Doesn't it get redundant? Although, I am guilty of using a hashtag or two on Instagram from time to time. And I know I've seen people using them on Vine. In fact, hashtags are recognized by more than a dozen social media sites.

I guess I just can't keep up with all this technology in my old age.

The Thanksgiving TV Chef

Prior to the start of the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade, one of the correspondents on CBS did a segment with "Chef" Marcel. She said his name like he's someone important, possibly famous. I don't know. I've never heard of him. And I hope I never hear of him again. I used the sarcastic quotes with his title because he really didn't show me that he's any more of a chef than I am.

Together, they were making an apple pie. A nice, American tradition, right? The correspondent lady was put in charge of the apples. This included mixing in the sugar, cinnamon, etc. And what did the "chef" do? He unrolled a premade Pillsbury pie crust. Actually, he rolled out two: one for the bottom, one for the top.

"Chef" Marcel did nothing more than the actress in the Pillsbury commercial that aired only a few minutes after the cooking segment. Actually, the actress did more. She cut slits in the top crust to allow the pie filling to not cause the pie to explode in the oven.

I'm pretty sure this "Chef" Marcel that CBS hired to help with Thanksgiving is a fraud.

And wouldn't it have been a little more appropriate to make a pumpkin pie? Maybe pecan? There's nothing wrong with an apple pie, but I think a real chef could have accepted the challenge of making something a little more complicated than apple. Step it up, Marcel.

*The pie pictured above looks a lot better than the one Marcel made.

Threatening Letters

There's a recent Bayer aspirin commercial that kind of makes me stop and think. It starts off with a woman who gets her mail and opens a neatly written card that says, "Your heart attack arrives in 2 days." She then goes on to take some aspirin and apparently avoids cardiac arrest. One can only assume. You don't get a lot of information out of a 15 second spot.

Now, I realize that the point of the terrifying letter that she receives is that people don't typically get warnings about an impending heart attack. But all I could think about was who would send a threat like that to someone?

My first response to opening that card would be, "What kind of sick joke is this?" Then I'd go into the paranoia. "Someone's making death threats!" I mean, I'm not in the best shape in the world, but I'm pretty sure I'm more than a couple days away from a heart attack. Is someone gonna try and induce a heart attack? Are they going to jump out from behind some bushes to scare me to death? Are they going to inject me with some kind of poison that makes it look like I had a heart attack?

I'm just saying, it seems like the advertising agency that Bayer's using stole the idea for this commercial from I Know What You Did Last Summer.

Below is another Bayer commercial. I couldn't find the one I described above, but this one is basically the same thing. The only difference is the recipient of the letter is a guy named Bob.

The Politics of Facebook

It happens every year. Sure, it's more obvious every four years when the presidential election comes around. But the fact is, every year is an election year. Every November, someone somewhere is running for some kind of office. And, depending on the weight the office being sought carries, Americans are bombarded with television ads trying to convince us to cast our vote for one candidate or another.

It's almost inevitable that someone like me will make some kind of sarcastic comment about these obnoxious commercials then post it to Facebook. that's when the proverbial doo doo hits the fan and the social network becomes a warzone of words being fired like ammunition from people on either end of the political spectrum.

This morning, as I watched the news, I again saw ads for both of the men competing for the office of governor in the Commonwealth of Virginia. For months, I've seen what they've each had to say about themselves and each other. For months, I've been utterly unimpressed. And I nearly said as much in a status update on Facebook. I even had it typed out, ready to click POST.

"The more I see ads in this year's gubernatorial race, the more I think, Really, Virginia? This is the best we have to offer?"

But I didn't click POST. I deleted the entire thing. As neutral as I intended my statement to be, I knew for sure that the majority of my Facebook friends would see my words very differently.

I estimate that approximately 45% of my friends are conservative and would view my status as a complaint against the democratic candidate. About 45% of my friends are liberal and would probably think my words were a rant against the republican nominee. I assume the other 10% are about as middle of the road as I tend to be and would understand that I was complaining about both of the lame gubernatorial prospects. Republican or democrat, I think they're both lousy options.

But I decided not to say anything at all. I didn't want my status to be considered the first shot fired in a heated passive-aggressive political debate.

I get it. Facebook is an open forum where people are free to say whatever they want. I love freedom of speech. I guess I just don't like when people use something I've said as a springboard for their own agendas. I would love to exercise my right to free speech without that speech being hijacked. It's happened before. It'll happen again. Sometimes I'm okay with it, but not every single time.

PS - Don't forget to go back here and ask me a question!

Degenerative

Ladies and gentlemen, I'm dying. I know that this news may come as a shock to many of you. It's really sad. I may have as few as 50 or 60 years left.

The truth is, I suffer from a degenerative condition that so many people deal with every day. It's called aging. It's a condition that we contract at conception. In the beginning, it seems like a really great thing. Aging causes us to grow and develop and learn. But aging does not maintain this positive face forever.

Eventually, this condition begins to take its toll on our bodies. There comes a time when the symptoms of aging become more and more harmful

At first, those harmful symptoms appear innocuous and are seemingly only skin deep. Hair turns gray or begins to fall out. Lines appear on faces that were once smooth. Then the internal damages start. Joints don't work the way they used to and will sometimes pop or creak when in use. Our aging digestive system doesn't allow us to eat the same delicious foods that we enjoyed when we were younger. Neither does our metabolism for that matter. Vision gets blurry. Hearing becomes difficult.

Worst of all, in my opinion, we forget things. You may find yourself driving around singing a song on the radio. It's a song you've heard and sung a hundred times over the years. Suddenly, the lyrics you know backward and forward are gone, as if someone popped open your skull and scooped those words out of your brain. If you've experienced this, you know how unsettling it can feel.

Aging can also open the door for other miserable conditions. As years pass, odds of getting cancer or dealing with heart disease or dementia increase.

I try not to think of the effects of aging. In time, I may forget about them anyway. Maybe I'll finally realize that ignorance is bliss.

So if you or someone you love suffers from aging, just know you're not alone. More people than you know are suffering silently. Recognize the signs. Remember that knowledge is power.

Two Truths and a Lie

I know a lot of people don't like icebreakers. Some may think they're a cheesy way to get to know people. But I love them. There's a part of me that really enjoys being put on the spot to answer random questions. My favorite is the "Two Truths and a Lie" icebreaker that seems to be really popular at random gatherings. It probably says a lot about me that I find it easier to come up with lies than truths.

Anyway, I'll list two truths and a lie below. It's up to you to figure out which one is the lie. If I get 10 people to leave a comment with their guess, I'll reveal which is the lie. If not, it will remain a mystery! But that shouldn't be too hard, right? 10 comments out of 56 followers? Totally doable.

1) When I was in kindergarten, I got trapped at school during a really bad flood. For a while I thought I would have to spend the night there. It's the only time in my life that I had to eat dinner at school. Most of the evening was spent in the classroom watching videos in an attempt to distract us from the devastation happening outside the window. It didn't work. In my mind, I can still see homes from the nearby trailer park floating by the playground equipment.

2) Around that same time of life, I heard the biblical story of Samson for, probably, the first time. I convinced my parents to stop cutting my hair because I was certain I would obtain superhuman strength. Once my hair started to get pretty shaggy, I decided to test my theory. Unfortunately, I was unable to lift my dad's LeCar over my head. I couldn't even budge the thing. In my disappointment, I found scissors and cut my own hair. Got in pretty serious trouble for that last part.

3) When my great grandmother passed away, we made the long drive to Nashville for the funeral. My sister and I got bored, so we went exploring around the funeral home. We came across a door marked EMPLOYEES ONLY, behind which we heard some disturbing sounds. April asked what the noise was. Being her older and wiser big brother, I told her that was where they cut the legs off the people and that's why they never open the bottom half of the casket. She cried and cried. But later, I'm pretty sure she thought it was a funny joke.

What's true? What's false? Make your guess in the comments below and if I get enough interest, I'll give the right answer.

BTW, I almost said, as my lie, that my favorite book was Twilight. But I couldn't even type that with a straight face.

A Letter to My 3rd Grade Self

As this school year begins, I'm working in two 3rd grade classrooms. It's gotten me thinking about my own 3rd grade year, which was my favorite year in elementary school. The kids were asked to write a letter to current 2nd graders, offering advice. I thought I'd do the same, but to myself in 3rd grade.

Dear 8-Year-Old Aaron,

Greetings from 25 years in the future! Before you ask, no, there are no flying cars and you do not have your own jetpack. Disappointing, I know. You do have a car, though. And it gets great gas mileage, something you'll appreciate when you're older.

You're getting ready to start 3rd grade. I know you're nervous about it. You've heard the rumor that your teacher will be Mrs. Caldwell. You know she had been teaching 4th grade and it's been said that she's a hard teacher. Hearing those kinds of things would probably make anyone a little apprehensive about starting the new year. However, those rumors are untrue.

I mean, yes, she did teach the 4th grade and now she's teaching 3rd. But the part about her being too tough on her students, not true.

Mrs. Caldwell will go down in history as one of your favorite teachers of all time. Every 9 weeks, she's gonna host a classroom spelling bee. The winner will get to go to the teachers' lounge, get a soda from the vending machine, then drink the soda in front of the other kids. And guess what... You're going to be the big winner at the end of the third 9 week period! So get to studying those spelling words.

Excited yet? There's more.

Every week, Mrs. Caldwell will introduce new vocabulary words. To help you learn definitions, she'll have the class play Concentration. It's a lot like Memory. You pick a number on one board, which has the word, and try to find its matching definition under a number on the second board. Mrs. Caldwell will split the class into teams of boys vs. girls. The winners get to eat popcorn the next day.

This is also the year when you join the Roanoke Valley Boys Choir. You know Justin? He'll be in the choir too. And you're both in Mrs. Caldwell's class. You guys haven't hit BFF status yet, but this year you kind of will. Sorry, you don't know what BFF means. It's short for "Best Friends Forever." It's something that will become popular in 15 or 20 years. Start using it early. Kids will think you're super cool.

Oh, and here's a fun event to look forward to... You know how there's a PTA fundraiser where you try to sell wrapping paper each year? Your friend Chad is gonna sell the most. He usually does. Anyway, he's gonna pick you and Justin to go with him to Showbiz Pizza to share in his first place prize. You'll get to ride there in a limo. Yeah, wrap your brain around that!

And I almost forgot one more thing that Mrs. Caldwell will do for the class that will make you love her just a little more. She shows movies periodically throughout the school year. She'll show E.T. at some point, which you've seen before. You'll also get to see The Princess Bride for the first time ever. Trust me when I say that movie will change your life for the better. Enjoy it. There are few things more satisfying than seeing a great movie for the first time. You can watch it a hundred times over, but you can never recapture that first viewing.

So don't be nervous. Third grade's gonna be awesome!

Sincerely,
33-Year-Old Aaron

PS - Give Dad a hug for me. You'll understand why in about 18 years.

The Last Day of Summer

Tomorrow is my last day of summer vacation.

On Thursday, I'll make the drive to Christiansburg so that I can sit through the first of three days of training. Next Tuesday, I'll make the drive to Floyd County, where I'll join the faculty and staff of my favorite elementary school in welcoming students back for a new year.

I thought school was supposed to start in the fall. This isn't fall! We are still in midsummer. I know because I just had a midsummer night's dream last night. I was in a huge open field with tall grass that cam up to my waist. It was night time and it was the kind of place where you could look up and see the entire galaxy of stars, unobstructed by the lights of the city. The stars were so numerous and so bright that they lit up the world around me. And I was chasing lightning bugs. I might have been seven years old in this dream. I don't know.

I digress...

So I put it out there, what should I do with my last day off? I know that I'm putting a lot of pressure on you, America. Most of you are having a hard enough time trying to figure out what you're going to do with your day tomorrow. The only thing I have planned is to go to the office in the apartment complex across the street and get mine and my roommates' names put on the approved list for the swimming pool. I was gonna do it today but, when I went, the office was closed. What are the odds that they would be gone for the one hour that I decided to go over there.

I could have walked back over there after 2, when the sign on the door said they'd be back. But, let's be honest, once I got home and took my shoes off, well, I just knew I was done for the day.

You're reading this and I hope you're seriously considering my options for my final day of summer vacation. But you may be asking, "What is there to do in Blacksburg?" I'm actually hoping you can answer that question for me. 'Cause I'm kind of new here. Sure, I've been hanging out with friends in Blacksburg for the last 8 months or so. But I actually just moved into the town last week. Finding new things to do has been difficult for me because, well, I haven't really tried.

I'm kind of a home body. Please don't assume that I don't enjoy going out. I do. I just don't do it that often for one reason or another.

So I'm looking for suggestions. Please leave yours in the comments below. I look forward to trying all your ideas, assuming they're cost effective and will not result in any kind of serious bodily harm.

Not Blogging

I haven't done a lot of blogging lately. I've felt guilty about that, I really have. Mostly because one of my New Year's Resolutions this year was to post something to the blog every day. Fail.

But I shouldn't feel too guilty about that because what are New Year's Resolutions except excuses to set lofty goals that are nearly unattainable.

Still, I've done a lot of thinking about why I haven't been writing much for the blog of late. Yesterday, I'm pretty sure I had an epiphany. The reason for the lack of posts dawned on my kind of suddenly, and I was a little surprised that I hadn't thought of it before.

I'm certain I've mentioned that the summer program that I work with as a counselor is more stressful than the job I perform during the regular school year. This is because I'm not only acting as a counselor to the kids, I'm sort of a teacher as well. During the school year, the counselor can get by with observing and intervening as needed. In the summer, I'm required to come up with lesson plans, curriculum, systems of rewards and consequences, etc. This makes the summer much different than the school year.

When the kids are in school and I'm sitting in the classroom, I take notes. I also brainstorm. I'm able to sit and think and write when I have down time in the classroom. As a summer program counselor/teacher/disciplinarian, there's no such thing as down time.

So the lack of original blog posts will likely continue for the foreseeable future. Don't worry, though. I've got some stuff cooking. Stay tuned. Just not every day. Stay tuned occasionally. Something like that.