Memo to Motorists

Specifically, this is a memo to motorists who insist upon driving in front of me while I'm delivering pizza.

1. Please do not drive 15 miles under the speed limit.
I realize that this is North Carolina. I realize that there is a good chance that you reached into a box of Cracker Jacks one day and just happened to pull out your driver's license. Maybe it was given to you in exchange for serving dinner at a soup kitchen once. Whatever the case, I get that you may not have actually received any real training on what driving is supposed to be like or how to understand those funny signs over on the right side of the road. See, periodically you'll come across these posted numbers that have the words "Speed Limit" printed above them. Sometimes the numbers say 25, sometimes 35. On those big, main roads, however, they'll often read 45 or 55. Now, I know, that's when things can get a little out of hand for you, and you'll be tempted to maintain that 30 miles an hour that you're so comfortable with. Maybe you're afraid that a police officer is just sitting on the shoulder up ahead and you don't want to get caught speeding. But if you're doing that posted number, there's a good chance they're not going to come after you. I'd be willing to bet, they've got bigger fish to fry. Like the guy that doesn't have his headlights on when it's pouring down rain.

2. Turn your headlights on when it's pouring down rain.
That's not so much for the people driving in front of me as it is for the people coming from the opposite direction while I'm trying to make a left turn across a heavily trafficked roadway. It's just common courtesy, people.

3. If you're making a right turn and you have a green light, it's okay to go.
Example: I was sitting at an intersection waiting to make a left turn. On the other side of the road, two cars were waiting to make right hand turns. I did not have an arrow giving me the right of way. Therefore, I yielded to the cars who just kept sitting there. Eventually they realized that they had the right of way, but by then my light was turning yellow. Yes, I went on through, and yes, I know that I could have technically received a ticket for that. But I was fueled with a slight case of road rage at that moment and I desperately wanted to floor it so I could get past these people who had no idea what they were doing back at the intersection. I did pass them. Because it was a 55mph zone and they were doing roughly 35. Refer to number 1 above.

4. If you're gonna turn on red, wait until the way is clear, not until you "think you can make it."
I know that when you see my gaudy pizza delivery light sticking to the top of my car, you automatically believe that I no self-respect and therefore deserve none of your respect as a fellow driver on this road of life. But I'm here to tell you, that's not what that sign means. It's really just an advertisement. I'm delivering pizza and the guys that pay me to do that also pay me to get their name and phone number out there so that more people will think, "Hey, I want a pizza too!" So when you see me driving toward the intersection, knowing that I have the green light and knowing that I am absolutely going the speed limit (perhaps even 5 over), it is not an invitation for you to pull out in front of me because you think you can make it. As much fun as it may be for some people to slam on their brakes, it isn't the sort of activity that I like to brag about. Oh, and testing my seat belt, just to make sure it would secure me in case of a crash, also not my idea of a good time. It's also, how should I put this, impolite, to pull in front of someone and then drive 10 under the speed limit. So when I was riding your bumper for roughly the half mile you were in front of me, it was because I was angry. I'll admit, it confused me quite a bit when you honked your horn at me as we went our separate ways. Maybe you were mad at me for crawling up your tailpipe. But I was mad at you for cutting me off when I was clearly in the right. I'm pretty sure we're even.

Memo to Grocery Shoppers

1. Make a list!
You know, it's a lot easier to go shopping when you know what you're shopping for. I'm not aware of a major chain store that doesn't have a website these days. And I'm pretty sure they have a fairly exhaustive list of all the products they offer, especially if those products are on sale. When you go into a store and you aren't sure what you're there to get, it really annoys other shoppers to have to try to weave their way around you while you stand in the middle of the aisle staring at a wall of different kinds of bread. Pick one and move on!

2. If at all possible, leave the kids at home.
I like kids all right. They're fun. They make life interesting. They ask awesome questions and are surprisingly literal in the way they see the world. But the grocery store is not the place for them. And it really doesn't matter how old they are. I think your one or two-year-olds are okay just sitting in their basket seat. They can't dart around corners or pull things off the shelves while mom's back is turned. But the ones that can walk, whether they're 5, 15, or the sad 35-year-old bachelor that lives in his parents' basement, they just get in the way. They slow you down. They cause you to block an entire aisle because they will, inevitably, spread out. Yet they will somehow manage to clump together while spread out, making it impossible for other shoppers to walk either around or through them.

3. Try not to look exactly like your spouse.
I wish I had the camera in my phone ready as soon as I noticed this phenomenon. I've heard of it happening, but never experienced it as strongly as I did today. A man and a woman were holding hands in Target. They looked to be in their late 50s. They had the same slouched sort of walk. They were the same height (though they were slouched, so that may not be accurate). They had identical haircuts. The only noticeable differences were that she wore earrings and he had a slight gut. Yes, they were dressed alike too. To me it's just weird when spouses start looking alike. It's weirder when people start looking like their pets. I've seen that happen too, just not in the store.

Memo to self: Stop going grocery shopping on Saturdays!