Three Shades of Gray

I guess I need to come up with new aliases for my friends when I write about them on the blog. The Charlatan hasn't lived in Charlotte for years. Subway hasn't actually been a sandwich artist for will over a decade. And, as of this past weekend, the Other Single Guy isn't single anymore

Mark married Peyton in the sanctuary of Second Baptist Church on a beautiful Saturday afternoon. Candles were lit, songs were sung, vows were spoken... spake? Spoken... yeah. The happy couple got hitched without a hitch. The only obvious hiccup involved several suits worn by the groomsmen.

All the suits fit just fine, so that's probably the most important thing. However, mine was two shades darker than Mark's. Andy's was somewhere in the middle. I'm not sure what the big deal about having multiple shades of gray is. Maybe it's more exciting when you have fifty instead of just three.

Thankfully, it turned out to be not so big a deal. None of the guests laughed or made inappropriate comments when the groomsmen walked in. The bride didn't call off the whole thing when she saw darker suits thrown in amongst the guys.

No, it was a beautiful ceremony and I only nearly passed out twice. I knew not to lock my knees, but that didn't stop me from swaying. I'm sure the swaying wasn't too noticeable, but I felt like a skyscraper moving back and forth in strong sustained winds. If I'm ever in another wedding, remind me not to wear brand new shoes. By the time the groom was given permission to kiss the bride, I had so many multiple blisters.

"You know, it's gonna be coming at you from all sides now," said Andy as we drove around Richmond the morning before the wedding. He was referring to the increased possibility that my friends would try to set me up with a plethora of single women. This is the obvious result of being the last remaining single guy among our circle of friends. Personally, I'm banking on the fact that these guys have been all talk over the last ten years and have still not attempted to start playing "Have You Met Aaron?"

Mark, Brandon, and Andy all collectively talked to me about the virtues of one of Peyton's bridesmaids. I'm not a big fan of the set up, so I tried to talk them down. Knowing my friends' tenacity once they've made up their minds, I was prepared for some clever move on their part. Yet I find it interesting that none of them so much as introduced me to the woman in question. See? All talk.

I'm okay with that. I can't lie and say that the thought of being the last single guy didn't loom over my thoughts a bit throughout the weekend. But here's the thing, I keep busy. I may not see these fellow Bluefield alumni as often as I'd like, but that doesn't mean I don't have other friends. Shocking, I know. I have two jobs that keep me pretty well occupied and am about to start taking classes toward becoming a teacher. So maybe dating just shouldn't be an option right now.

Aw... who am I kidding?

The Single Guy and the Wedding Road Trip

Once upon a time, the Single Guy received a wedding invitation. The blessed event was to take place on a Friday in Greenville, South Carolina. After reading the invitation's details, the Single Guy wondered if it would be possible to attend the ceremony. Turns out, he could. See, the company for whom the Single Guy currently works only requires him to be there Monday through Thursday. That means there's a three day weekend every week.

So he had the Friday in question off. The next problem lay in the trip to Greenville. Or, more accurately, the return trip from Greenville. Financially, it did not make a lot of sense for the Single Guy to get a hotel room for the night. But he was slightly concerned about driving back late at night after the wedding was over. At least, he was concerned about driving alone. That's where Grilled Cheese Girl and DJ Dr. Mac come in.

The trio all wanted to attend the wedding, but did not want to spend the night in South Carolina. So they made a plan to drive down and back all in one day. It would make for a long road trip, but not an impossible one.

They took the Single Guy's car, leaving at 12:30 on the day of the wedding, assuming the Google was correct about the estimated travel time of 4 hours, 28 minutes. Google would never steer them wrong, right?

The road trip was classic. It was filled with the kind of conversations that can only be had when three people find themselves in close quarters for four and a half hours. The ladies asked the Single Guy what guys really talk about. Funny enough, it's not far off from what women apparently discuss on a regular basis. Except, possibly, with more grunts and fewer emotional tells.

These conversations were fueled mostly by candy and caffeine. As were the sing-alongs made possible by the completely random collection of music provided by the Single Guy's iPod. One would think that 4.5 hours in a car would feel like a long time. To the Single Guy, it seemed to fly by.

The Single Guy, Grilled Cheese Girl, and DJ Dr. Mac arrived at the wedding site with time to spare. The venue was gorgeous. The happy couple said their vows atop a mountain chapel that was strategically built without walls, giving a wide angle view of an enormous valley below. It was kind of breathtaking.

Unfortunately, our heroes were unable to properly congratulate the newlyweds after the ceremony was over. They made their way to the reception to make a solid attempt at conveying their congratulations, but time marched on. They all knew they had the return trip to make. As 9:00pm approached, it became clearer that they would need to leave in order to make it back before sunrise.

They were all sorry to have missed the newlyweds' arrival to the ballroom, but practicality set in and made things real. Once again, they hit the road. Except they were all starving for real food. Sure, there were still plenty of sugary treats in the car for the midnight ride, but they desired dinner. Luckily for the Single Guy, there was a Krystal nearby. He got to enjoy those greasy little mini-burgers before jumping back on the interstate.

Once again, the Single Guy, Grilled Cheese Girl, and DJ Dr. Mac settled in for a long trip filled with late-night conversations and singing to the tops of their lungs. There was an attempt at rapping, as well as attempts at singing REM's "It's the End of the World As We Know It" and Barenaked Ladies' "One Week." Very interesting renditions, indeed.

They got back to Blacksburg around 2:30am. Jacked up on SweetTarts and Rice Krispies Treats. Riddled with cavities. Exhausted.

The Single Guy would do it all over again in a heartbeat.

The Single Guy and the Last of His Kind

Photo blatantly stolen from Facebook

It finally happened. As of Friday, April 18, 2014, the Single Guy became the last of his college friends who can still really call himself single. It was on that day that Mark (who has been referred to as the Other Single Guy in the past) proposed to his girlfriend of over a year. She said yes.

So what does this mean for the Single Guy? The Charlatan got married back in September. Subway got married years ago. Even has a kid who walks and talks and acts all adorable, like she knows people are watching. And it's the same story with all the other guys the Single Guy has known since the college years. Married with children.

Should the Single Guy now feel pressured to ramp up his game and seek out, in earnest, the love of his life? Probably not. And it's a good thing, too. 'Cause the Single Guy has no game of which to speak.

He currently has no plan to pull a Ted Mosby and declare that, just because his best friend got engaged that he needs to go out right now and find the mother of his children. That's ridiculous. Besides, that story was all about Robin, anyway. The Single Guy doesn't want to meet Robin. But he's not ready to meet the Mother either.

That being said, it does feel a little strange to be the only single person left in a group of couples. When these friends all get together, the Single Guy is obviously the odd man out. He doesn't really mind being the fifth wheel and no one really makes him feel that way. But he can't help but admit that, sometimes anyway, it would be nice to have someone to go for a walk with. It would be nice to have someone to ride with in a roller coaster. It would be nice to have someone that's willing to sit through an awesome sci-fi/action/comic book blockbuster.

Please, don't feel pity for the Single Guy. If those things were truly a priority for him, he would have done something about it years ago. If you want to feel sorry for the Single Guy, do it because of his complacency and his unwillingness to open his heart to new possibilities. Opening his heart is one of those things that's on his to do list. It's just not at the top.

But enough about the Single Guy and his chosen life of solitude. Congratulations to Mark and Peyton! May you enjoy a lifetime of ups and downs and everything in between!

A Dater's Guide to Disney's Newest Princesses

Last April, I posted an in-depth analysis of Walt Disney's line up of princesses. The point of that post was to give my opinion about which of them would be datable if they happened to exist in real life. I'll admit, I was a little hard on some of them. For the most part, however, I feel that I was extremely fair in my conclusions. If you missed that post, please go back and check it out here. It's a little lengthy, but might be worth the time.

Since writing that post, Disney has officially added one more princess to the roster. The company has also released another movie which features two princesses. Although, not long into it, one of those princesses becomes a queen. But for the purposes of this blog, I'll be examining all three of these animated, fictional ladies.

Merida

I very briefly touched on the Brave Scottish princess in my previous post. I didn't go into any detail because she was not yet considered an official Disney Princess. Now she is. She's the first Pixar character to be considered a Disney Princess. Looking at Pixar's catalog of films, I'm pretty sure Merida is the only character that carries the title of princess. If you haven't seen Brave, you need to stop reading this right now and find it so you can watch it. It's kind of awesome. Merida is a young woman with untamed red hair and a fiery independent spirit. When it comes time for her to grow up and get married, she takes offense at the idea that she has no choice in who she'll end up with. While three of Scotland's finest vie for Merida's hand in marriage, the princess decides to take the competition into her own hands. She proves herself to be far superior to the men in archery. This causes a rift to form between herself and her mother which leads to all sorts of hijinks and adventures.

Should You Date Her?
It's a little troubling that she will follow mysterious floating blue lights through a dark, scary forest. But I say yes. Though she may not want to date you. As I mentioned above, she is fiercely independent. I think she likes it that way. During the time period in which she lives, independent women were probably frowned upon. Having the personality that she clearly has, she would put a great deal of distance between herself and any man who would attempt to control her. But why should you try and win her hand? Aside from the independence thing (which I consider a huge plus), Merida is someone who isn't afraid to carve her own path. She makes mistakes on her journey, but she admits her mistakes and will fight to correct those mistakes. She takes issue with the fact that her own mother wants to plan out her life for her, she gets angry with her mother, but is able to move past her anger to prove just how much she loves her. Also, she's wicked good with a bow and arrow.

Anna

Now we come to Disney's latest princess movie: Frozen. If you haven't seen it yet, be warned, spoilers abound. In the first act of the film, you feel pretty bad for Anna. Well, you feel bad for her sister as well, but we'll get to her later. As a young child, Anna is very close with her sister, Elsa. She gets injured in an accident involving Elsa's icy powers, which causes their parents to freak out and overreact. That overreaction leads to Elsa becoming a shut in and Anna losing her best friend and any knowledge of Elsa's capabilities. She grows up lonely due to the fact that the king and queen decided to close the gates. No one comes in and Anna, apparently, does not go out. Watching the movie, we can assume that Anna is an extrovert, which makes being locked inside the castle a horrible punishment since she can't interact with anyone else. This causes her to become overly excited and extremely naive about people once she finally has the opportunity to experience that interaction.

Should you date her?
I'm gonna go with no. Not that she's a bad person or anything. She's brave to go after her sister in the sudden bitter winter that develops after Elsa's powers are revealed. She fears that her sister is hurting and in danger, so she leaves the safety of her kingdom to find her. She also shows concern for her people and their well being as they attempt to survive the unseasonable cold weather. These are excellent qualities in a Disney princess. But remember how I said it was likely she'd be really naive after being shut into the palace for most of her life? She "falls in love" with the first handsome prince that she meets. Within hours of meeting this guy, she decides she loves him and is ready to marry him. Impulsivity isn't necessarily a bad thing. But the way she does it is a bit extreme. As it turns out, her handsome prince that she so dearly loves isn't exactly a stand up guy. In fact, he reveals himself to be the actual villain of the film, using Anna to take the throne. These are the kinds of things you discover about someone if you date them for more than a few hours. Beyond that, she seems kind of desperate. Again, I'm sure that's due to being a shut in for so long. After seeing independent princesses like Rapunzel and Merida, we take a step backward and find a princess whose only goal seems to be to land a man. If that's your thing, that's okay. It just doesn't do much for me.

Elsa

I'm not sure that we can officially call Elsa a princess. Once we hit act two of Frozen, Elsa makes it through the coronation ceremony and becomes a queen. She's only a princess for the first 15 minutes of the movie. So Disney may decide not to include her as one of their official princesses. But I'm still going to give my opinion here. This movie is (very) loosely based on Hans Christian Andersen's The Snow Queen. Elsa is that title character. I'm sorry to say, we really don't know much about Elsa beyond the fact that she has inexplicable powers. My chief complaint with Frozen is that Elsa's character just isn't developed enough. However, just as one can feel bad for Anna, we can feel bad for Elsa as well. Actually, I think I'd feel worse for Elsa. Her parents force her to shut herself off from her little sister and all other people. She's forced to repress her abilities out of a sense of guilt over an accident that occurred when she was just a child. Instead of learning to develop and control her abilities she holds them back. When she's eventually forced to mingle with the people, she loses control. Really, she never had control in the first place.

Should you date her?
I want so badly to say yes. First of all, she's a queen. That's gotta be worth more than the title of princess, right? Next, she has a phenomenal singing voice. Perhaps that's some bias on my part, because I might be a little in love with Idina Menzel. But that's neither here nor there. I said I want to say yes, but I just don't think I can. Like her sister, she's been a shut in most of her life. That's a sad life. I don't think she had as difficult a time with being alone as Anna did. I would argue that, unlike her sister, Elsa is more of an introvert. Maybe that's why I want to say yes to dating her. I can identify with her. I say that about her personality because she appears so uncomfortable around people after the coronation. Sure, part of that is fear of losing control of her powers, but I think a bigger part could be that she's just genuinely unsure of how to be with large crowds. She runs away to the mountains. She sings about a kingdom of isolation while honing her abilities. By the end of her big musical number, she seems to really be okay with being alone. When Anna comes to bring her back home, she insists that she's okay where she is and actually sounds happy about it. Let her be. You know what, I'm gonna say yes anyway. It would be a pretty big deal if a powerful woman like that let someone in. And let's talk about those powers for a minute. It seems to me that a lot of this frustration could have been avoided if the king and queen had just sent Elsa to Xavier's School for Gifted Youngsters. I mean, Disney owns Marvel now, right? I don't see why they couldn't have made that happen. Her powers are unexplained, just that she was born with them. To me, that says mutant. She could have become one of the X-Men. She could give Iceman a run for his money. After all, she not only creates ice and snow, she can bring it to life. And once she learned to fully control her abilities, she was able to make it disappear just as quickly. If her parents hadn't shut her off from the world, she could have learned much earlier in life how to control her power. Her people need never drink lukewarm soda again.

So those are Disney's latest princesses. How far off was I on their royal highnesses? Let me know your own thoughts in the comments.

How to Know if I Have a Crush on You

I'm single. Have been all my life. Beyond that, I'm an introverted single person. That makes it extremely difficult for me to approach a woman to whom I'm attracted in order to generate a conversation out of thin air. Therefore, all I ever really experience are crushes. You know, like a kid will have on their 6th grade English teacher. No, I did not have a crush on my 6th grade English teacher. I mean, Mrs. Moss was nice and all, but she never really did it for me.

That being said, there have been a number of women that I've developed crushes on over the years. We're all aware of my undying love for Alison Brie, but there have been others. Women I've actually known and had conversations with. And there's a very good chance that most of those ladies never knew. A few only knew of my feelings because I eventually grew a backbone and told them how I felt.

Sidebar: In each of those instances of revelation, I was shot down with some variation of the phrases "You're like a brother to me!" or "I don't want to ruin our friendship!" Believe it or not, hearing a girl you like say those words makes it a lot easier to repress one's feelings and never confess them to anyone else ever again. But just because I tend to repress doesn't mean those feelings aren't present. I'm not a robot, despite the emotionless evidence to the contrary.

So now, if you're a woman that I personally know, you may be wondering, Am I one of those girls he's talking about? Lucky for you there are a few very helpful signals that you can look for. Just ask yourself the following questions:

Does he seem nervous whenever I'm around? I'm not typically an anxious kind of person. I tend not to worry about things. But if I have a thing for you, there's a good chance I'll develop some kind of nervous tic while in your presence. My knee may bounce. I might start tapping my pen incessantly. I might even chew on my lower lip for a while. That last one really bugs me. Especially in winter. 'Cause then the lower lip gets chapped and it becomes painful. And I never buy Chap-Stick.

Does he get tongue tied? If I'm crushing on you, I could forget the proper rules of the English language. I may find myself tripping over my words or saying incoherent and nonsensical phrases like a stroke victim. Related to this, I could start speaking very quickly and/or loudly. The Girl in the White SUV would know all about that one.

Does he become uncharacteristically kind? I don't consider myself a very nice person. I have my moments, sure. But I'm generally very sarcastic. And if I'm sarcastic with you, it means I consider you a good friend who won't be offended (probably) by my very dry sense of humor. But if a crush is occurring, I'll probably refrain from the sarcasm. That's right, I can turn it off when I want to. Reason being, I want you to like me, so I don't want to offend you by saying something that might be interpreted as mean. It happened once that a girl I liked in college took something the wrong way. It about broke my heart to think she believed I was blatantly being hurtful towards her.

Does he get really quiet around me? There will be a lot of times that I'll choose to stop talking rather than risk tripping over the words. "But, Aaron," you may ask, "aren't you quiet all the time anyway?" A lot of the time, yes. I'm an observer; a listener. The differences in quiet because of a crush and quiet because of my personality are probably very subtle. Good luck with that one.

There you have it. You may choose to use this information however you wish. If you suspect that I like you in a more-than-friends kind of way, you have options. You could confront me to see if your suspicions are correct. I won't lie about it if asked. Just don't be offended if the answer is no, I can't have a crush on everyone.

Another option is that you could avoid me. It wouldn't be the first time it's happened. Though I don't understand that option. I'm kind of awesome.

Finally, you could do nothing. Just maintain the status quo, because I can very nearly guarantee that I won't say anything to rock the Love Boat. Try not to worry about it. It's just a little crush. Not like I faint every time we touch.

The Single Guy and the Disney Princess

Have you ever run into a Disney princess in real life? Neither has the Single Guy. Unless you count a visit to Walt Disney World where actresses portray real life versions of animated characters. But today, the Single Guy came about as close as one could come to seeing a human version of a Disney princess as you could get outside of the happiest place on earth.

The Single Guy had a little time to kill between jobs this afternoon. As is his custom, he decided to kill that time with a visit to Barnes & Noble, also a pretty happy place on earth. Generally, the Single Guy just goes to the bookstore to browse and not to actually shop. Generally, he just makes a wish list of books he would like to have time to read someday.

As he pulled into a parking spot in front of the store, he noticed a girl getting out of her own vehicle. She was hard not to notice, what with her head full of untamed red hair. Upon getting a closer look, the Single Guy realized it wasn't just the hair. The only thing about her that would have made her look more like Brave's Princess Merida would have been if she were wearing a green dress. Or if she had been carrying a bow with a quiver of arrows.

He followed Real Life Merida into the bookstore. Not in the sense that he was actually following her, she just happened to walk into the store before he did. Really, the Single Guy was planning to go to Barnes & Noble anyway. He's not stalking girls that look like Disney princesses. Seriously.

Anyway, the Single Guy sent a text to a teacher he works with who happens to love Brave. He had to let someone know that he'd discovered Merida's doppelganger. As he sent the text, he figured he should try and snag a picture of her with his phone, just so he would have proof. Unfortunately, the Single Guy doesn't really know how to subtly take pictures with his phone. He just couldn't get close enough to Real Life Merida to get a decent photo.

But maybe that's a good thing. Maybe it means the Single Guy just doesn't have it in him to be completely creepy. Maybe it means he needs a better phone with a better camera. Whatever the case, he missed his chance at meeting Real Life Merida. Before he knew it, she was making her purchase and was out the door.

Real Life Merida was probably just some random redhead without a Scottish accent. But if she'd had a Scottish accent, the Single Guy might have dropped to one knee and proposed right there in the biography section.

The Single Guy Versus the First Day of School

The first day of school can cause kids to have a lot of anxiety. Will I be able to reconnect with my friends from last year? Will I make new friends? Are my clothes cool enough? Did I get my parents to buy the right pair of shoes? Will I like my new teacher?

The Single guy wasn't so worried about all these questions in particular, but there was still a certain amount of anxiety that accompanied the first day of school. Even for an adult.

Back to school means back to work for the Single Guy. He now has to give up sleeping late and daily viewings of The Price Is Right for the security of a paycheck. It's a pretty fair trade.

The Single Guy's first day of school turned out to be just fine, but that's not what he expected based on the previous evening. He went to bed at a decent hour and had set his alarm for 5:30am. With an hour commute, the early wake up call was necessary. Normally, 5:30 isn't a problem. But, it turned out, getting to sleep was.

He closed his eyes and sleep wouldn't come. So the Single Guy turned the TV on to catch the 11:00 news. After catching up on the events of the day, he turned the TV back off and laid back down.

Still no luck.

At a little after midnight, the Single Guy sat up and searched Netflix for something that might put him to sleep. He landed on the 80s classic Teen Wolf. This did not do the trick. The Single Guy was still wide awake as Michael J. Fox made that final basket to win in the end.

By this time it was 2:00am. Way too late to consider finding some Ny-Quil. However, after an episode or two of How I Met Your Mother, the Single Guy was out like a light.

But 5:30 came quickly. The Single Guy put himself on autopilot, got ready and packed a lunch in a blur, then made the long drive to school.

He was met with the excited faces of kids who are still young enough to look forward to school. That excitement is something the Single Guy vividly remembers feeling as a child, but it's a feeling he hasn't recaptured since he was in elementary school.

The Single Guy bounced from class to class, checking in on students and catching up with teachers. All in all, not a bad day. Only 179 school days 'til summer!

The Single Guy and the Last Week of School

Well, it happened. The Single Guy made it through an entire school year in the same job in the same location. Hopefully, there aren't too many people out there scoffing, as if this accomplishment is such a difficult thing to believe. Remember, the Single Guy maintained a steady position as a drive-thru bank teller for more than three years. He hated it, but he did it.

Since becoming a counselor, the Single Guy found himself placed in two different schools. He would have certainly been at the first school for a full year, had he began the job at the beginning of the school year. And, really, moving wasn't his idea. But he was happy for the move once it had happened. He made friends and grew to enjoy his time there, just as he had enjoyed his previous school.

The last week of the school year was a non-stop thrill ride that offered excitement and adventure around every corner. Well, one would have believed that last sentence if one's regular life involved being trapped in a sensory deprivation chamber for 24 hours a day. Although, that scathing bit of sarcasm makes the last week of school sound incredibly boring.

It wasn't boring. The Single Guy had plenty to do. The end of school presented him with a great deal of paperwork that needed to be finished. A lot of it also needed to be signed by his clients' parents. Therein lay the challenge. There are a lot of times when parents are difficult to contact by phone, much less to convince to meet face to face to sign forms.

But the Single Guy got it all accomplished in the three days of school that were available. Then he was able to move on to the more amusing things that the last week of school had in store. For one thing, there was the Beach Blast.

No, a period is the wrong punctuation to use with Beach Blast. The exclamation point is more appropriate. For one thing, there was the Beach Blast!

This event was much like what a lot of schools may consider Field Day. Unless it's the kind of school that considers Field Day a day of competition with track and field events. The kind of Field Day that Beach Blast! is like is the kind that involves a bunch of fun activities that may or may not have a great deal of structure: splash balls being thrown about, sidewalk chalk, inflatable bowling (that was impossible to play with the wind), temporary tattoos, etc. It was fun. Right up until the part where it began to storm.

There wasn't a whole lot happening on Wednesday during that last week. Mostly movies and end of year parties and the cleaning out of desks. But the actual last day of school provided all sorts of excitement.

It was a shortened school day. The only planned event? An annual faculty vs. 7th grade softball game. Teachers only required the younger kids to watch the game for one full inning, knowing that they didn't have the necessary attention span to sit through a full game. After that first inning, the children were free to roam the playground. It was mildly controlled chaos. Somehow it worked.

So, that last school day may have been more exciting for the kids than for the Single Guy, but it was a shortened day, so that was something. Once the little ones boarded their buses for the last time, the grown ups enjoyed a potluck lunch.

The Single Guy hadn't planned to stick around for the potluck. He didn't make anything to share with the others. He feels a little guilty participating when he didn't bring anything himself. But several teachers insisted that he stay. And his lunch was amazing. He probably ate too much. And went back for dessert twice.

Out of My League

Earlier tonight, as I was on my break at work, I heard a song being played over the store's speakers. Honestly, I didn't hear the whole thing and I don't know what it was about. I'd never heard the song before and I have no idea who sang it. But one line talked about a girl who was out of the singer's league. That kind of got me thinking.

After thinking for a bit, I posted a status update on Facebook that received a number of jeers in the form of comments from friends and family members. What was this awful thing that I said? What could have warranted 14 derisive comments?

"I've just about decided that I'll probably consider any woman worth pursuing to be out of my league."

After getting so many negative comments on that one little status update, I feel the need to clarify what I said. I look at it and I realize why so many people had an issue with what I posted. I'm sure it sounds like I'm putting myself down or that I'm lacking self esteem or self confidence or some other self thing. That's really not the case, kids.

Don't worry. Self esteem is fully intact.

Now that that's settled, I think we can all agree that I'm kind of awesome, right? The way I see it, whomever I wind up with should probably be equally awesome. I don't want, nor do I think I should, settle for someone who is less than amazing. Well, someone who's at least amazing in my eyes anyway.

When I say I'll consider her out of my league, I mean that I'll probably see her in a better light than the one I shed on myself. Again, that's not because I think less of myself. I just know that I'm going to want to place the love of my life on a pedestal. I'm going to want to constantly chase after her. I'm going to want to constantly try to impress her. Someone that I think of as out of my league will be someone that will push me to be a better person. Personally, I don't think that's a bad thing.

So, to those of you who thought that I was tearing myself down, I hope this has shown you that that's really not a problem. Good night everybody.

The Single Guy and the Esteemed Panel

A couple weeks ago, the Single Guy got a phone call from one of the church leaders. Over the phone, he was presented with the opportunity to sit on a panel of experts for an open forum on relationships.

A note of explanation. The Single Guy, as has been mentioned a number of times, is part of a small group that meets at least once a week. That small group is part of a larger group within the church known as GAP (Graduates and Professionals). Once a month, the larger group gets together for various activities. The Single Guy has only been a part of this group and the church as a whole since January. So he's only been around for a few of these monthly get-togethers.

Back in January, before he got involved with the group, they met for a game night (?), which served as a kick off for the upcoming semester of small group Bible studies. In March, they joined up for a service project, hanging drywall and taking care of various other small construction projects at a local church with whom we have a strong relationship. April's big group centered around a cookie making competition, which in turn became a service project when the cookies were wrapped up and given out to graduate students at Virginia Tech.

This month, the big group would meet to hash out the details of what the word "relationship" was really all about. This is what the panel was being put together for. That panel would sit in front of an audience and answer questions about relationships, which had been submitted by GAP folks. The Single Guy was asked to represent the Singletons. When he was asked, he said he would have to think about it. But he knew right away that he would say yes.

The panel also consisted of Newlyweds, a Married with Children couple and a woman married to a non-believer. These people would represent a wide range of opinions and were willing to dispense the knowledge and wisdom that they had accumulated over the years. Not that the Single Guy really imagined that he had accumulated a great deal of wisdom. Nor did he consider himself to be anything close to an expert. But, being single for his entire life did give him the practical experience that may have been necessary to sit in the comfy seat at the front of the auditorium.

Okay, he hasn't been single his whole life. There was that short time during preschool when he was engaged to a girl named Angie. It wasn't meant to be. By the way, the "meant to be" mentality was sort of touched upon.

There were a lot of really good and really tough questions that were asked. The Single Guy felt a little out of his element. Not because he felt uncomfortable answering questions about being single. But he has little to no experience being in a relationship of his own. So he was a little afraid that his expertise would be called into question.

The night before the event, the Single Guy kind of had a bad dream about the whole thing. He envisioned himself sitting at a long table behind a microphone. He was answering questions intelligently and throwing in a handful of witty comments here and there. Things were going well. And then the audience participation began. A girl sitting in the front row stood up to address the panel. The Single Guy couldn't recognize her. She wasn't from his small group and he was fairly certain he'd never seen her at church before. Looking directly at the Single Guy, she accused him of being a fraud. She asked how he could possibly answer these questions when he's never been in a relationship. She asked how he could stand to sit there smugly in front of all those people when he's never even been beyond a second date. Then she called on her fellow audience members to revolt. They began launching rotten vegetables at the Single Guy. Thankfully, before the first tomato could strike his face, he woke up in a cold sweat. It had just been a dream.

The real life relationship panel went pretty well. At least, that's what he was told by the folks that ran the show. It's possible they were just being polite and sparing the Single Guy's feelings. But he's fairly certain these people wouldn't lie to him. As it turned out, he wasn't nearly as nervous as he thought he would be. Looking back, the whole event is kind of a blur for him. But it was fun. And he'd be more than happy to participate in a similar panel in the future.

The Single Guy Versus the Dartboard

The following account may be a bit of an exaggeration. But, to be honest, that's how most accounts in the Single Guy's life tend to be.

Not too long ago, the Single Guy was sitting around a fire with some friends. At some point, someone brought up a little sports bar in Blacksburg that served hamburgers for a buck on Monday nights. And they weren't the flimsy little McDonald's style burgers, either. This place serves up the quarter-pounders for a dollar. Of course, you have to add toppings at 35 cents apiece. Still, not too shabby. Who is the Single Guy to pass up an economic incentive such as this?

Thanks to Jamie for the picture!

To sweeten the deal, it was mentioned that this little sports bar included pool tables and dartboards. The Single Guy hadn't played a legitimate game of darts since college. During his sophomore year, he had an electronic dartboard hanging on the closet door. This proved to be a great deal of fun for him, his roommates and the various passers by that would drop in from time to time. Until all the plastic tips for the darts bent or broke from repeated use. They lasted a good two months.

After obtaining permission from Michaelangelo to attend the Monday night outing, the Single Guy made plans to be there. In fact, he spent much of the weekend looking forward to a dollar burger and some old fashioned dart throwing.

Monday night arrived and the sports bar delivered. The burger was a little undercooked for the Single Guy's liking. But, still, it was a decent meal for way under five bucks. Bonus, the restaurant offered a substantial basket of french fries for $2.50. So, actually, the night cost the Single Guy a little over $5 when a tip was included for the barkeep. Then came the darts. Which were free.

The group with whom the Single Guy was hanging out was split into teams. Then they all began playing a couple separate games of something called Cricket. The Single Guy, being less than an expert in all things involving a dartboard, was somewhat clueless as to how to play the game. In fact, he was pretty sure that cricket involved some kind of flattened baseball bat and something called a "wicket." But he learned. As did his teammate and opponents.

The Single Guy's partner suggested a proper name for their team. After all, one can't cheer for a team without knowing the team's name, right? So the partner went with Team Jesus. Her thought was that, with a name like that, God would be on their side. It may have worked.

Throughout the evening, there were ups and downs to Team Jesus' dart throwing abilities. But it felt really good when they were able to hit the bulls eyes. The Single Guy has never been great with his aim. So to have a small, metal-tipped projectile leave his hand and find its intended target? He was a little thrilled.

Team Jesus barely won their first game against the opponents. The opponents kind of destroyed Team Jesus in round two. By that point, it was getting kind of late. But neither team could walk away with a tied record. They had to play to the best of three games. Game three was kind of close, but Team Jesus walked away with the victory. Was it because God was on their side? Let's just leave that question as it is.

The Single Guy didn't realize how much fun throwing darts could be. Immediately after leaving the sports bar that night, he began to hope that the night would be repeated the following Monday. He's always wanted to have the kind of place that a group of friends could hang out. A real life Central Perk or MacLaren's Pub. Maybe this sports bar could be just that. Now the Single Guy just needs to come up with a catchy theme song and his life as a sitcom is all set.

A Dater's Guide to Disney Princesses

Ask anyone, even a guy, who their favorite Disney princess is, and there's a good chance they'll have an answer for you. Chances are, they'll have a well thought out answer. According to the official Disney Princess home page, there are currently 10 Disney princesses in the line up. Each of these fictional, animated characters shares the common thread of being featured in one or more films. But each was also created to have her own unique personality. These unique personalities have made it possible for people to choose their favorites over the years.

So how do people choose a favorite? Is it how they look? What dress they're drawn in? Singing ability? Willingness to frolic with tiny woodland creatures? What follows is my guide to just how datable each of these princesses really is. If the Disney princes had had this primer before their movies premiered, some may have had second thoughts. Others would probably think, Yeah, I picked the right one! So here they are, in order of their appearance in popular culture...

Snow White

Everyone knows who Snow White is, right? I mean, if you haven't seen the Disney classic, there's a good chance you saw one of the two movies that told the story last year: Snow White and the Huntsman and Mirror, Mirror. And then there's the current TV show Once Upon a Time, which puts a modern spin on things. What do we know about the first Disney princess? According to Christopher Finch's The Art of Walt Disney: From Mickey Mouse to the Magic Kingdoms, Snow White is a 14-year-old princess whose parents are dead. A magic mirror claims that she's the fairest in the land, whatever that means. Turns out that's enough to set off her psychotic step-mother in a jealous, homicidal rage. So Snow has to run away from the castle to become a housekeeper for a group of miners. This isn't much of a change for her since the queen was using her as slave labor.

Should You Date Her?
Absolutely not. For one thing, she's 14. I don't think that's ever mentioned in the movie, but it's in a book that chronicles the history of Disney animation. That means that someone somewhere made a decision to make Snow White a 14-year-old girl. That's just way too young. Also, that information really paints the queen in a much more evil light. Who tries to murder a 14-year-old girl? But let's pretend she's old enough to date. She lived with seven dudes at the same time. That denotes a questionable morality at best. It may have been completely platonic, but still... seven guys just seems like too much. Add to that the fact that some of her best friends appear to be birds and rodents, it just seems sketchy. They help her clean house. That doesn't scream "clean" to me. Prince Charming should probably just move on.

Cinderella

Another tragic story of a poor little rich girl. Raised in an aristocratic home, she lost her mother at a young age. Dad felt that she needed a mother figure in her life, so he remarried and brought a couple step-sisters into the mix as well. I've got to ask, where did her father meet this woman? Did she just pretend to be nice until the old man died? Because, as we all know, Lady Tremaine forced the girl into slave labor (I'm sensing a theme). Luckily, Cinderella had a fairy godmother that decided to give the girl a magic date night with a prince. Unlike Snow White, she wasn't born into royalty. Spoiler alert: she marries into it, giving her that "happily ever after" that these princesses all seek.

Should You Date Her?
I'm gonna say no to this one as well. While she is noticeably older than Snow White, she still has that issue of consorting with vermin. While the mice of the sprawling mansion seem to be fantastic seamstresses, I'm not sure I'd trust them to put together a proper dress. What's worse, she talks to the mice and they talk back. Someone may have some issues with hallucinations. This becomes more apparent when a "fairy godmother" magically appears and turns her rags into a gown and a pumpkin into a coach. Assuming the fairy godmother's magic was real, Cinderella relies a bit too much on that magic to make her happily ever after come true. Although, she and the step-sisters are the only ones we see vying for the prince's affections. That being the case, Cinderella is the only logical choice, with or without the glass slipper.

Aurora

Ah, Sleeping Beauty. I'll admit, this was one of my favorites as a kid. Maybe it's because they did a lot to flesh out the villainess, Maleficent, this time around. She just seemed like a really cool bad guy. Aurora, on the other hand, doesn't get a lot of screen time. She's only around as a speaking character for the middle third of the film. At the beginning, she's an infant. For most of the end, she's asleep.

Should You Date Her?
Probably not, no. Don't get me wrong, she's cute and all. And she's got more of a rustic appeal than the previous princesses had. It helps that she was raised in a cabin in the woods, away from her royal palace. But that's an issue in itself. She's got family she doesn't know. That's going to cause a significant identity crisis when she goes back home for her 16th birthday. Also, she's only 16. Also, she's another one that talks to animals. I'm starting to think it's almost understandable to have conversations with these woodland creatures, though. Snow and Cindy were slaves, so they didn't get a lot of social time. Aurora only hangs out with three old women. I'd probably find myself talking to mice and squirrels too. Throw all that out, though. She apparently has a problem with narcolepsy. She and Prince Phillip get married, they settle into their own palace and Phillip might be feeling a little frisky, as husbands sometimes do. All he ever hears from Aurora? "Not tonight, dear, I'm tired." Red flag, Phillip. Red flag.

Ariel

The Little Mermaid is another of my favorites. This is one that was new in my childhood. It probably really introduced me to the Disney animated musical. For the first time, we have a princess who has a very strong personality. She's assertive and rebellious and it gets her into a whole lot of trouble. Which is probably good because, otherwise, it would have been a boring movie. She's a collector of random surface-world items and happens to fall in love with a handsome prince. Don't they all?

Should You Date Her?
Absolutely not. I feel like I'm being really negative with these girls. And I like Ariel, I really do. She has a fantastic singing voice. But she was willing to sacrifice her greatest asset to a sketchy sea-witch. So right off you know her decision making skills are pretty poor. Also, she's a hoarder. I know, I called her a "collector" in the above paragraph, but I was being nice. Have you seen that trove of hers? Who needs 20 thingamabobs? I mean, really. Also, it's never enough. In a direct quote from Ariel's "Part of Your World" she says, "You want thingamabobs? I got 20! But who cares? No big deal. I want more." Prince Eric, look out. You could give her the world and it will still not be enough. It may seem simple to give her a lifetime supply of dinglehoppers with which she can brush her hair, but do you really want a palace full of useless forks? And, again, I feel the need to bring up the age issue. She's 16, which means she's probably old enough to date. But she is just 16. And she's kind of delinquent. Why is she signing contracts as a minor? I get it. She's a real princess. She's the possible heiress to the Seven Seas. But where's her mother? As the youngest of Triton's daughters, there's a good chance she's never had much of a maternal influence in her life. With only an angry merman to raise her and her six sisters, she's bound to have some serious daddy issues.

Belle

Beauty and the Beast is definitely my favorite of these Disney films. Sure, Disney took a lot of creative liberties with the story and there are tons of plot holes that one could spend hours, even days, debating over. But it's fun to watch. And sing along with. Go on, pretend like you're not singing with Belle when she walks through the village saying bon jour to the townsfolk.

Should You Date Her?
Yes. This is one of the good ones. She's well read and obviously educated. She's not shallow, otherwise she'd be with that lunkhead Gaston. She loves her family. Granted, the only family she has when we meet her is her father, Maurice. But she doesn't care what the people of the town say about her dad, she's there for him no matter what. And she sacrifices her own freedom for his after they first encounter the Beast. The Beast/Prince definitely comes out ahead in this relationship. Especially when she breaks the curse and all the servants become people again, meaning they have no furniture or dishes in the palace.

Jasmine

Her tale is told in the story of Aladdin. She's the daughter of the Sultan of Agrabah, giving her a significant amount of power herself, as the person she marries will eventually succeed the sultan as ruler. It seems a bit unfair to think that Jasmine herself isn't in line for the throne, only the guy she marries. Actually, that's really unfair. Come on, Agrabah! Let's try to rethink how the line of succession works in the future, okay?

Should You Date Her?
No. Don't get me wrong, Jasmine's gorgeous. And I think the name, Jasmine, is all kinds of beautiful. But she will probably always question why you're with her. Do you love her for her or do you love her for her father's throne? Yes, she's adventurous and courageous. Much more so than most pampered princesses who rarely see beyond the palace walls. And let's think about her family for a moment. The sultan doesn't seem to be playing with a full deck. And he's highly susceptible to hypnotic suggestion. Studies have shown that, in cases like these, the apple does not fall far from the tree. How long would it be before Jasmine started exhibiting signs of her own senility? That could turn into a long-term problem for Prince Ali.

Pocahontas

The daughter of a Native American chief, Pocahontas was single-handedly responsible for welcoming the British to the new world and taught them how to fish and plant crops so that they wouldn't starve to death during the harsh winter. What? That's not really how it happened? Well, if Disney can rewrite history, why can't I? To be fair, it can simply be said that Disney fictionalized a story based on actual historic figures.

Should You Date Her?
Yes. In 1607, when the Jamestown settlers arrived in the New World, the real Pocahontas was only 12 years old. The movie portrays her as much older. Let's go with the movie portrayal so it isn't quite so gross. She's outdoorsy and knows her stuff. Also, she's wicked brave. She put her own neck on the line when attempting to save John Smith. Pocahontas is the kind of girl who is able to respect her family and their traditions, but she's also not afraid to stand up for something she believes in so she can follow her own path. I respect that.

Mulan

Is Mulan really a princess? She doesn't come from a royal line that I'm aware of. And in the end, she falls in love with her superior officer. I don't think that means she's a princess. She's admirable, yes, but not a princess.

Should You Date Her?
No. For one thing, she's lying about being a princess. For another, she seems kind of gender confused. I understand that her reasons are noble. She's saving her elderly father from having to go off to war. This means she has strong family ties, a plus. But she's dressing like a guy. For most of the movie. I mean, if that's the kind of thing she's into, that's cool. I guess. But it seems to me that would be problematic in terms of having a relationship.

Tiana

Tiana is another one who married into her title. Sorry, hope that's not a spoiler. I've only seen The Princess and the Frog once, so I'm not as familiar as I have been with some of the older movies.

Should You Date Her?
Yes. Like I said, I'm not terribly familiar with Tiana's story. But here's what I know about her that makes her datable. She's a very hard worker. The girl's working two jobs when we first meet her, all to save up money to make her dream of owning her own restaurant come true. This causes her to become a little obsessed, but she's able to move beyond that obsession soon enough. She's willing to work for what she wants, but isn't oblivious to the fact that what she wants is not always what she needs. Another plus, she's faced with temptation and an easy way out of her predicament, but turns it down. She's ready to do what's right for the right reasons. She's a keeper.

Rapunzel

Poor girl. Lived a sheltered life 'til she was 18. Locked away in a tower for "her own good." The woman that raised her kept her away from the world because it wouldn't be safe for her if people knew about the magical properties that her hair possessed. The truth of the matter was that Old Lady Gothel wanted that magic for herself, just to stay forever young. But Rapunzel, as it turns out, is not the kind of girl to just sit back and play the damsel in distress. Sure, she's a little naive as we start the story, but she goes on this whirlwind adventure and discovers that the woman she's called "Mother" all these years has been lying to her. And then, the fury begins. Just a whirl of wind and arms and fingernails. And hair.

Should You Date Her?
Absolutely. Rapunzel's the kind of girl who obviously does not need some guy to come along and save her. Well, she does. But not for the traditional reasons. Flynn Ryder shows up and just happens to be in the wrong place at the right time. Rapunzel's looking to make an escape from her tower and Flynn's arrival just happens to be serendipitous happenstance. I'm sure I used that phrase all wrong. Anyway, she manipulates him into helping her leave home for the first time. She's excited and a little jumpy at first, but she quickly learns how to take care of herself in the real world. In no way does she let herself become a lesser character than her leading man, standing equal with him throughout the film. And, in the end, she's the one who saves his life, not the other way around.

According to one source (Wikipedia), Brave's Merida will be added to the Disney princess roster later this year. I won't go into why she's datable, but she gets my stamp of approval. Mostly because she doesn't take any crap off anyone and can handle a bow and arrow like a champ. Also, I think Disney should consider adding Princess Leia to the line-up as well. Disney now owns the rights to Star Wars, and Leia is a princess. But I wouldn't date her. She says she likes nice guys, but she's really attracted to the bad boy. Also, she kissed her brother. Not a peck on the cheek. Full on lip lock. I'm just sayin'.

There you have it. If you're a guy, which of these princesses would you hypothetically date? If you're a girl, which of these princesses would you like your son to hypothetically bring home?

The Single Guy and the Conditioner

The Single Guy has a soft spot for hairdressers. He kind of always has.

There was the girl that cut his hair in college. This is the one that he insisted looked exactly like Sarah Michelle Gellar, so he would visit her at the mall and pay nearly twice as much as he could have paid the ancient barber with the tremor in is trimming hand.

Then there was the girl that worked at the place inside the Wal-Mart. The Single Guy isn't necessarily a fan of getting his hair cut at the Wal-Mart. Actually, the Single Guy isn't necessarily a fan of getting anything at the Wal-Mart. But the price of the haircut was kind of cheap and the girl that cut the hair a few times was kind of cute. He figured it was worth it.

And, of course, there was the Girl in the White SUV. Not that she ever actually cut the Single Guy's hair. She was one of those high end hairdressers. He worked in one of those expensive hair salons that catered to people in downtown Raleigh. The Single Guy tried once to get an appointment with her, just to convince her to run her fingers through his hair, but it was not meant to be. Totally would have been worth the $60 for a simple trim.

The Single Guy has had a much better time of controlling his crushes these days. Maybe he's matured. But it seems easier for him to just go into a hair-cutting-joint and not just decide that a girl is cute because she massages his scalp. More often than not, he's successful in not developing a crush. He's more talkative these days, so he's usually able to talk to these girls to either realize they have a significant other in their lives or their personalities just would not mesh with his. This helps.

About a month ago, however, he kind of got talked into doing something that he didn't necessarily want to do. The Single Guy has a regular place that he likes to go to get his hair cut. It's a chain that had a location in Wake Forest when he lived down there. Since moving to the New River Valley, he's been pleased to find that there's a location in Blacksburg as well. So that's where he's been going.

Part of the draw isn't just the price that he has to pay. It's the shampoo that they use. Upon finishing with the haircut, the stylist will escort the Single Guy to the back room where there are a few sinks lined up. He's seated in a chair that has a footrest and a massage feature. He leans his head back into the sink and the girl lathers up the most amazing smelling shampoo one could ever hope to experience. It smells like Christmas.

By "it smells like Christmas," what's really meant is that it smells like peppermint. It's a very soothing aroma. And it kind of tingles on the scalp. In a good way. The stylist will not just wash the hair, she'll massage the scalp as well. It's quite relaxing. The Single Guy has threatened to fall asleep on more than one occasion.

Anyway, on that last visit, the girl who cut the Single Guy's hair was kind of cute. He had no desire to ask her out or anything crazy like that, but that doesn't mean she didn't hold some kind of almost irrational influence over his wallet. The Single Guy's first mistake was mentioning how much he loved the smell of the shampoo. Of course, when she asked if he had any at home, he couldn't lie. So he told her that he didn't have any at this time.

Ladies and gentlemen of the blogosphere, this shampoo is not cheap. There are bound to be more expensive shampoos out there, but when the Single Guy is used to buying the cheap stuff at the Wal-Mart, the real stuff can pinch the old bank account. So she went on and on about how great the shampoo was. And how great the conditioner was, as well. And how that particular shampoo was on sale that day. And it would be totally worth it to spend $45 on gigantic bottles of shampoo and conditioner. It was a package deal.

Now, the Single Guy doesn't typically do conditioner, unless it's a 2-in-1 kind of thing. You know, you just have the one bottle and the conditioner is magically mixed in with the shampoo. He has a really hard time understanding what the point of conditioner is. But, since he spent so much money on the package deal, he felt that he should give this hair tonic a try. A month later, he's still not sure what kind of difference the stuff has made in his hair.

Today, it became a moo point. Because the Single Guy decided to get rid of all his hair. The reasons are several. The most pressing reason is that he couldn't afford to get a real haircut and he could shave his head for free. So now he has this huge bottle of conditioner and no hair to condition. On the plus side, he still smells like Christmas when he gets out of the shower.

The Single Guy Versus the Fifth Grader

Before he began attending the church he currently attends, the Single Guy had not had the opportunity to participate in many service projects. Actually, it wasn't that the opportunities weren't there. He simply didn't embrace them. The last time the Single Guy had a genuine desire to help out in his community was way back during the college years. And since he graduated from college 10 years ago, well, one can assume it's been a long time since he's plugged in and acted the part of the servant.

Last week, the Single Guy was given the chance to help out at a local food pantry. There wasn't much involved. He went in and helped families in need as they perused the shelves, seeking the groceries they needed to make it through the next few weeks. For the Single Guy, who has never truly been in a position where he was unable to provide his own basic needs, it was a very humbling thing to be a part of.

That evening, he served alongside three other volunteers. One was a girl that the Single Guy knows from church. Another was a Virginia Tech grad student who is in the same program as the girl from church. The other was a boy in the fifth grade. And that kid was all kinds of awesome.

First of all, he's 11 years old. When the Single Guy was 11, he wouldn't have even thought about giving up an afternoon to help the people in his community to find the groceries they needed to get by. This kid is there every Monday with a smile on his face, ready to serve in whatever way that he can.

Now let's focus on the fact that the Fifth Grader is wise beyond his years. Things were slow at the food pantry compared to other evenings. Or so the Single Guy was told. After a while, things came to a standstill, so the volunteers had nothing but time on their hands. So they sat around talking. The Fifth Grader was ready to talk about food, life, love, politics. Scratch that, he didn't want to talk about politics. In a very adult manner, he stated that talking about politics made him upset.

But, wait, he was able to talk about love? Yeah, this is the part where the Single Guy realized that he may not be smarter than a Fifth Grader.

It had not started as a conversation in which the Single Guy was seeking advice from the youngling. They were just sitting around, shooting the breeze. The girl from church had asked the Single Guy about his day and he went on to explain an awkward situation involving a girl and another girl. Nothing too crazy, but slightly awkward nonetheless. The details are inconsequential. Just imagine your basic episode of Three's Company and you've got your awkward.

The Single Guy did need to explain the details to the Fifth Grader, however, because he wasn't alive when Three's Company was a thing. He didn't even know Three's Company was ever a thing. But the Fifth Grader pondered the situation. He thought about it. He went outside for a bit to enjoy the beautiful afternoon weather. Then he came back inside to dispense his advice.

He told the Single Guy, in relation to his situation, to basically play it cool. He didn't use these words, but to sum up, don't change the status quo. But, he also advised, don't get stuck in the friends' zone. Hold up, Fifth Grader, how do you know of the legendary "friends' zone"?

"Everyone knows about the friends' zone," he said matter-of-factly.

The Single Guy couldn't help but laugh a little. Throughout his life, he'd been stuck in the friends' zone at least half a dozen times. He'd been placed there by a number of women who considered him to be a really good friend. Or worse, like a brother. Not that that's necessarily a bad thing. The Single Guy likes to consider himself a good friend. But these days, when he meets an attractive woman that he might be interested in, he doesn't want to be friends. As far as he's concerned, he's got enough friends.

The conversation flowed normally after that. Soon, the Fifth Grader had to go because his mother came to pick him up. Before he walked out of the building, he turned back to the Single Guy and again stated, "Get out of the friends' zone!"

So to all the other single folks out there, pay attention to this kid. He kind of knows what he's talking about. It wasn't long after that evening when the Single Guy saw something online that said, "The only reason guys get stuck in the friends' zone is because they never ask the girl out in the first place." That's not always the case, but more often than not, it probably is. Guys tend to let the women they're attracted to intimidate them into staying silent. Those women aren't trying to intimidate these guys and it's likely they don't even know they have that kind of effect on them. Okay, they probably know. And not all guys are intimidated. But a lot of the nice ones are. So, nice guys, stop being intimidated. That is all.

The Single Guy Hesitates

There's an old proverb that says, "He who hesitates is lost." No one knows this more than the Single Guy.

Because that's just what he does. It's his modus operandi. He hesitates. He thinks. Then he over thinks. Then he misses out.

It's the definition of insanity, doing something over and over again while expecting different results. But people do that sort of thing all the time, right? Maybe not everyone.

But here's how it goes: The Single Guy meets a girl. He spends some time getting to know this girl. This time period varies. Could be days. Could be months. But then, at some point, he decides she's worth the risk of a broken heart. What he doesn't realize is that he's already too late.

More often than not, he's too late due to the fact that he's managed to find himself in the legendary Friends' Zone. The F.Z. can be a fun place to be, as long as one is perfectly content with simply being friends. Although, there's nothing simple about being just friends.

Usually, when there's a Friends' Zone involved, there's a good chance that one of the friends will have stronger feelings than the other one will. This has happened to the Single Guy. A couple times. Okay, more than a couple times. But that's because he's all the time hesitating. And he's a really good friend.

But there are other consequences to hesitation, aside from the Friends' Zone. Namely, there's the missed opportunity. While waiting around and getting to know a girl, a guy can end up letting her slip right through his fingers. It's easy to let it happen, too.

Part of the reason the Single Guy chooses to hesitate more often than not is because he wants to get to know someone before taking a leap of faith. For someone with the vast array of trust issues that the Single Guy has, it is a significant leap of faith. But then he figures out, she's pretty awesome. Unfortunately, someone else has figured it out too.

Once again, he who hesitates is lost.

The Single Guy and the Release

Warning: This blog post discusses some borderline potty talk. Reader discretion is advised.

Via

For a while, the Single Guy has toyed with the idea of getting back into church. Well, it didn't take him long to find one that he was comfortable with. In fact, his first Sunday back in the swing of things, he found a place that he feels sure he'll be able to call home. At least for as long as he's living in this area, anyway.

Part of getting involved with a church is finding a group of people that he can get involved with. This means he had to sign up for and join a small group Bible study. Over the years, the Single Guy has come to enjoy these small groups much more than he ever liked attending a Sunday School class before Big Church every week. Small groups meet in people's homes. They're warmer, more inviting, cozier.

Thursday of last week, the Single Guy found himself in one of those warm, inviting and cozy homes. He's decided to participate in a group that will be reading through the entire Bible in a year. Of course, this is something he has attempted in the past. For some reason, he's never been able to get much farther than Exodus. This means he's probably read through Genesis about a dozen times. This time, he hopes it's different. By joining up with a group that's doing the same thing, his hope is that they'll all encourage each other to keep up the pace.

The first group meeting consisted of passing along information from the leaders to the group members. The Single Guy sat quietly, as he usually does in situations involving new people. Suddenly it hit him. He had to get to the bathroom.

But this was a new place. He'd never been here before, much less used the bathroom. And this wasn't exactly a good time for him to raise his hand and ask for directions to the bathroom. The group leader was talking. She was sure to be sharing some important information about how things would be run in the group over the course of the next few months. There was probably something mentioned about not interrupting, but the Single Guy couldn't possibly know that. He was absolutely not paying attention.

Instead, he was focused on keeping himself together. Folks, it wasn't that the Single Guy had to do anything as simple as get to the restroom to pee. No, he could hold that for a while if necessary. And it was necessary. The problem at the moment was one of a more intestinal matter. Without trying to sound completely indelicate, he really needed to fart.

By this point in the evening, the Single Guy was using every ounce of his strength to clench. Here he was in a room full of people he had just met and he was praying for the strength not to break wind, which he knew would alienate them immediately. He was afraid to move, even slightly. His face had to have been turning blood red as he held back a perfectly natural bodily function.

He was in pain. Aside from that, he was torn. Three options lay before him.

One, he could interrupt the leader and ask for the bathroom. In his mind, this was a non-option. The Single Guy would stand up and say, "I'm sorry, but where's your bathroom?" The leader, of course, would then politely point the way or explain how to get there. In a one-bedroom duplex, it couldn't have been far away. But then comes the thought that everyone out in the living room obviously knows what he's doing in there. The Single Guy shook that idea out of his head.

Two, he could keep trying with all his might to hold the gas in. Again, he was in a great deal of pain. Most people have probably experienced this pain. Gas that gets pent up inside our bodies tends to be painful, especially when it cannot be released. But he wasn't really thinking about the pain. If he could manage to get past the pain and fight back the urge to let go, things might shift around on the inside. And then his gut would make a horrendous noise. It would be that loud noise that everyone would hear, and they would know, he's gotta fart. The quiet laughter would begin. The snickers under people's breath would grow louder and the Single Guy would be forced to leave the home, running off into the night. He could play the noise off as a stomach growl, as if he was hungry. But there's a difference in the noise of hunger and the sound of shifting gas. Anyone in that room with half a brain would know he was lying. "He can't be hungry," they would say, "I saw him eat no less than three cookies just minutes ago!"

Three, he could just let it go. As much as he hated the first two options, this third one was even less appealing. He was sitting on a hard folding chair. This meant that, at best, any fart would be a loud fart. But even if the Single Guy could disguise the noise, what would he be able to do about the smell? Everyone would know the general area from which the odor had come. They would look upon the Single Guy with disgust. He would be excommunicated from the group. It would be just another church with whom his bridges had been burned.

The pain was growing more intense by the second. And it seemed the information being given to the group members would never end. At that moment, the Single Guy did the only thing he knew he could safely do. He prayed silently. And when the urge became too great, he dared to risk the release of gas. There was no sound. There was no noticeable odor. He received no looks from the people next to him. No one had noticed. In his mind, the Single Guy rejoiced. He had just been a part of a spectacular miracle.

The rest of the evening went on without a hitch. The Single Guy felt as if an enormous weight had been lifted from his shoulders. The pain was gone. He could move around again without fear of something improper slipping out.

He learned a valuable lesson that night. Never eat or drink anything for two hours before meeting new people. The food may be delicious, but is it really worth the risk?

The Single Guy and the Fish Bowl

Remember how the Single Guy recently took a quick trip to the Richmond area? Well, the trip consisted of more than just making fun of the Charlatan's new ride.

On Saturday evening, the Single Guy was given the opportunity to hang out with the Charlatan, his fiance and a couple of their close friends. The night began with dinner at Noodles & Co., where the Single Guy experienced the most amazing Coca-Cola fountain machine in existence. It's the kind with a touch screen that allows you to not only choose a particular beverage, but also lets you add one of about ten different flavors to that beverage. The Single Guy's Cherry Vanilla Coke Zero tasted like liquid candy.

After dinner, the quintet made their way to the Charlatan's apartment, where they spent a short time trying to decide what to do to pass the time and entertain themselves. The Charlatan and his fiance decided on a game known as Fish Bowl. This was a game that the Single Guy had heard of, but never played before.

Before game play could begin, each participant was responsible for writing down a whole lot of random things on tiny little pieces of paper. These pieces of paper would each be thrown into a fish bowl, to be drawn out as part of the game. The Charlatan did not have an actual fish bowl, so he used an ice bucket. Saying that the things written on the slips of paper were random is something of an understatement. They ranged from objects such as Superman's cape to phrases like, "You stay classy, San Diego!"

Despite the uneven number of players, the teams were divided up as boys vs. girls. That made it three vs. two, each side arguing that they were the ones with the disadvantage. This minor disagreement did nothing to hinder the awkward fun that the group would end up having.

The object of the game involved one teammate drawing a clue from the bucket and attempting to get the rest of the team to guess what's written on the paper. In round one, players could use any words to describe what was written, as long as they did not use the actual words written. Round two was basically Charades. The third and final round allowed the players to use only one word to describe the clue. These progressive rounds allowed for hilarity to ensue. Especially when the Single Guy drew "pubic hair" during the Charades round.

At the end of three rounds, the teams were tied up. The group eventually decided on a fourth round tiebreaker, consisting of sound effects to describe each of the clues. This became difficult when so many of the clues were silent objects. How does one come up with a sound effect for "crossword puzzle?" In the end, the guys won the game. But then they all sat around wondering what would have happened if round four had also ended in a tie. And they came up with other, more difficult and humorous ways to get people to guess the clues.

The group spent a great deal of time reading clues by only pronouncing vowels. You just don't know how important consonants are until you're forced to leave them behind.

The Single Guy and the Station Wagon

Volvo station wagons have an excellent reputation. More often than not, when someone thinks of a Volvo, it is easy to free associate the word safety right away. These cars have a history of being safe and, therefore, are seen as good family vehicles.

Recently, the Charlatan was forced to leave behind the Ford Escape that he has been driving for many years. In its wake, he made the grown up and responsible purchase of a Volvo station wagon. This, of course, leaves the man open to ridicule from all his friends.

While the Charlatan is recently newly engaged, he does not yet have a family. It isn't often that you see an unmarried man with no children riding around in a wagon.

This weekend, the Single Guy rode along with the Other Single Guy for a brief trip to Richmond. On the way to Virginia's capital, these two discussed the Charlatan's choice in vehicle. He was not coerced. No one twisted his arm. He freely chose to buy his new Volvo wagon. In return, the Single Guy and the Other decided to come up with some good jokes. It was determined that they needed to give the Charlatan a hard time.

But then the Single Guy drove the Volvo. The Charlatan asked the Single Guy to take the new car on a quick trip to the grocery store while he finished setting up for a program at his church. The Single Guy happily obliged. And, in his humble opinion, that new car handled amazingly. He was pleasantly shocked.

The Single Guy returned to the church with groceries in hand and quickly got in touch with the Other Single Guy. "Can't mock it," he said, "the thing drives like a dream."

Of course, the Single Guy said he would not be able to mock. But reality kicked in later when he got into the passenger seat as the Charlatan began to drive to dinner. "So, did the mom jeans come standard with the car?" asked the Single Guy.

The Charlatan just laughed. He then said, "That's good, keep 'em comin'!"

The Single Guy confessed that he and the Other had worked on a bunch on the long drive to Richmond. The plan was to pepper him with the jokes throughout the evening. Some others include but are not limited to:

• "If you decide to get paper instead of plastic, how many grocery bags can you fit in the back?"
• "Are the other moms in the carpool jealous of the new car?"
• "Do you have to pick up all the soccer equipment by yourself, or do you have some help?"
• "Are we picking up the stuff for the PTA bake sale on this trip or later?"

That last one came from the Other Single Guy and was a particular favorite of the night. The Single Guy still has a hard time envisioning the Charlatan in a station wagon, but cannot deny the appeal of the vehicle. Please note, the Charlatan's car is not the model pictured. His is newer, classier and more of a dark grey in color.