Greatest Hits: Awake in the Darkness

Originally published 5/20/2007:

Tonight is one of those nights. It's midnight and I just can't sleep. I've been trying to fall asleep for the last couple hours, but I just can't. And really, isn't that a contradiction? Trying to fall asleep? I guess that's impossible. If you're gonna fall asleep, you just do it. There is no try (thank you Yoda).

I am obviously not sleeping at this moment. So I'm left to fill the time with the meaningless ramblings of an insomniac.

For awhile I was watching National Treasure on DVD. Good movie. I liked it so much that I saw it twice when it was in the theater. However, I did fall asleep the second time I watched it. Not because I was bored with it. I was just that tired. Maybe I chose to watch that movie hoping I would get those old feelings, but alas, I'm still awake. The movie ended, so I restarted it. Still awake.

Now the TV is off. I set the "sleep" timer on it, hoping against hope that I would be asleep by now. But it's off and I'm not yet asleep.

For awhile I just laid here in bed listening to the sound of the fan on my desk. A nice, soothing, white noise kind of sound. And the thoughts began to flow. And for some reason I began thinking about Dad.

I've done that a lot lately. Last Thursday morning I got to work and was waiting around for the day's assigned duties. I started thinking about him then. Somehow it became so overwhelming that I nearly broke into tears. I didn't though. Manhood intact.

So tonight, as I lay awake in the dark, my mind wandered back to Dad yet again. Really there isn't a day that goes by that I don't think about him at some point. But sometimes, like now, the thoughts go deeper than just a passing remembrance. The thoughts turn into another realization of just how much I miss him. Another realization of just how much my heart aches.

I want so badly to talk to him about movies I've seen lately. About how frustrating my favorite TV shows are when I'm left with cliffhangers at season's end. About how scared and excited I am to start fresh with seminary in the fall. About how much I appreciated him always being there for me. About how sorry I am for not always showing it.

So now what do I do? Do I try, again, to go to sleep? My brain, flooded with thoughts and feelings and memories? I'm not really expecting an answer to this. I know I'll get sleep eventually. It's inevitable. My body will become so tired that I won't have a choice in the matter. But what do I do 'til then?